Blooming Mindfulness

Trying to live with Chronic Illness

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anxiety-cb Hi guys! Wow isn’t it strange how you can think you have kicked something’s ass then it comes back even worse? I have battled depression and anxiety my whole life, I struggled being alone out in the world and stayed in a relationship I shouldn’t have at university because I was afraid of being alone and having to do normal things. I got my confidence in the end but simple tasks like using the phone, going shopping, going on a bus etc are almost crippling to me and are things I have always really had to work at being able to do.

Then I started studying Buddhism, taking yoga seriously and learning to meditate and between those things I started to conquer it and though things were still hard I was able to work on things. I was able to talk to people I didn’t know, like saying hello and smiling to people as I took Gizmo a walk…small things like that are big to me.

A lot of my friends I know from going to conventions and though they are friends on facebook and twitter most of the time I don’t speak to anyone at the actual events! But I started to be able to and force myself to step out of my comfort zone and actually talk to them and I felt so elated and so so happy and proud of myself.

Then at christmas I became extremely anaemic suddenly and it meant I could barely do anything, I would have dizzy spells constantly and barely left the house or saw anyone for months. I couldn’t do yoga daily so I fell behind on my meditation and today? I feel anxious!

Last night I almost had a panic attack about not having received a physiotherapy appointment yet! I feel like I have taken a huge step back and now I am on medication for it and feeling more normal again I am determined to get back to daily meditation! Wish me luck!

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lazy-sunday-dog Hi everyone! Today I have been really lazy and I had a lie in until 9am! I then had nutella on toast as a treat breakfast with a nice cup of English Breakfast tea! Since then I showered, but am still wearing PJs, and I have done a little writing…still it has been lovely to just chill!

Gizmo my shih tzu still has his collar on because he is still healing after having two cysts removed so he has been having lots of cuddles. I am so lucky to have him honestly because I rarely get visitors and so when Lee is at work I can get lonely. Instead I find myself chatting away to my dog and spending a lot of time with him being silly!

I love making myself laugh and I definitely think it helps to combat my anxiety and depression to keep busy. I love to fill my day with writing, reading, yoga, meditation, hobbies like knitting and photography as well as cooking and housework because if I don’t I tend to get lost in my head very depressed and anxious and just feeling really crappy! It is my personal way of dealing with these illnesses and I must admit that though it can be painful and tiring if I manage my time well and listen to my body for the most part I can keep things at bay.

This is why a lazy day to me is chilled but still keeping busy as much as possible to help me not fall into bad habits of not being mindful and present in the moment. I started learning about Buddhism last year and along with yoga and meditation it has changed my life. It might not work for you but this routine, organisation and mindfulness works for me, I hate when people try to tell you how to deal with your illness. I always appreciate advice but I know myself my mind and my body better than anyone. We are all different so don’t try to tell me what works you know?

Anyway I hope you all had a lovely weekend and that the week ahead is good xx

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exhausted This is how I feel perfectly! I am trying to get back to daily yoga, I don’t do any mad poses but it is wonderful physiotherapy it keeps me flexible and helps my strength as well as lowering my anxiety and depression so I need to get back to doing it properly! The downside of it is that it makes you so tired! It is like by lunchtime I need a nap and all I have done is 20-30 minutes of yoga and taken a shower, and that is on a good day!

So now I am tired and this is constant, fatigue is not like at the end of the day you want to go to bed tired…its like doing 2 night shifts with no sleep and trying to think straight!

It has taken me a good half an hour just to write this much…goodness me I cannot think and I cannot do anything to make it better. A nap could help a little so I will probably curl up with the dog and rest for a while, but it is like putting a plaster on a gunshot wound, it never gets easier and never lets up you just have to try and balance what you need to get done with what your body will allow you to do!

Sometimes you have to say no to going out because you did your housework, or not cook a proper meal at night because you exercised…to get things done you have to be organised and try to be a little psychic!

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wonmr95326 Hi folks! Sorry about that short interlude in writing, British summer has decided to grace us with it’s presence and I am suffering!

I have never had a body that could cope well with hot weather, when I was a kid I would burn in 10minutes in the sun, coming out in blisters and rashes! But I find that now I am on meds and I have fibro I suffer more inside! I find that I get more migraines than usual, and I get so weak and sick I just want to hunker down until it is Autumn again!

So today I woke up with what I think is called a pressure migraine? It feels like my brain is trying to escape, like there is so much pressure inside my head it is going to explode! I slept for a few hours this afternoon and found that I couldn’t shake off feeling sicky and a bit wobbly. On top of that my hands and feet are swollen making doing anything simple like walking or holding something uncomfortable.

I really just wish I could shake it off, but we did have a thunder storm this afternoon and it feels like it was inside my head because now it has passed I strangely feel better!

On a good note for lunch today I had porridge made with almond milk with melted Nutella and chopped strawberries…it was so delicious!!! I am terrible with that stuff though if Nutella is in the house I just want it with everything! I have no chill when it comes to it so I bought the small jar and will be glad when it’s gone! Totally threw me a curveball because I try to eat healthily most days! Evil company!

So now I am going to lay down and carry on watching the US Shameless TV series? If you have not watched it I highly recommend! I had been avoiding it because the UK version was so bad! However the US version has William H Macey and Emmy Rossum as well as Jane Cusack so how could it be wrong?

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11227682_0f70b4e1d9 Today is a good day, the sun is out and I feel good! My pain is not too bad and I am wide awake and wishing I could go out hunting Pokemon!! However instead me and Gizmo are sitting in the living room chilling out and having a relaxing day.

In the past when I had a good day like this I would clean the whole house, do yoga, go for a walk and just try to squeeze as much in as I could….then I would be unable to get out of bed for days and feel dreadful! I try to do about an even amount of things even on good days it is my way of trying to keep on an even keel.

To be honest though it doesn’t always work, but it is the trying that counts so I keep dusting myself off and picking myself up!

Today I feel quite reflective, I am feeling proud of myself for setting up this blog, and I am really happy that I started trying to sell some of my photography and just trying! I might not always achieve the results, I might never sell a picture, but if I never try I certainly never will! You have to be in it to win it, and I love my life it is hard, and painful and not easy but I am lucky in so many ways! I feel fortunate and happy…Yes, today is a good day!

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maxresdefault Hello everyone! So yesterday was a big day for me because I actually left the house! My dad come and picked me and Gizmo my dog up and we went to visit my nan, she hasn’t been the same since my Granddad died and it is so hard being there. I struggle seeing her so depressed and sick with Alzheimers yet unable to do anything to comfort her, but I love how happy she is to see us and it was so nice to just sit and chat with her. I showed her my knitting, my first real go at it and she was impressed and said it was even and neat! That made me so happy because my Nan used to knit a lot!

I came home and made dinner I made my hubby fish and I had a vegetarian choice with sweet potatoes and vegetables then we went to bed. I am getting into bed on average about 8pm at the moment, my pain starts getting bad in the evening and its comfier to lie in bed and watch TV there than try to sit in pain on the sofa. We watched the first episode of Mr Robot and OMG this season looks like it is going to be good already! I cannot wait to watch the rest it is one of those rare shows that really blows your mind and makes you think it is different and creative I just love it!

But today I woke up feeling tired, so tired it took me an hour to be able to get out of bed and another two just to be able to shower! My pain is bad especially in my legs and arms and honestly I just want to go to bed! I want to get up and do things but I think it will be me just chilling with my dog and either reading or watching my shows! Urgh I hate days like this when Lee is at work and I am here feeling demotivated, depressed and guilty because I cannot do the housework! Can someone send me a house elf please???

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waving-dog-goodbye-600x600 Well this has been something I have wanted to do for a while and to be honest have been not well enough to set up. I don’t get to go out of the house much and if I am honest I do not get visitors unless I am related to them so I find I can get lost in my head a lot! A blog is a good way of getting my thoughts and feelings out and I found it really helped back in the day when I had a livejournal!

Since christmas I have really struggled with fatigue, napping in the afternoons and sleeping for 11+ hours a night meant I was getting nothing done! Then a random blood test found I was really anaemic and I had lots of investigations to try and find out why, they found nothing so put me on iron tablets! Now usually I am not an advocate for throwing medications at things and hoping they go away, but I feel so much livelier now they have kicked in! I mean honestly I can make it to about 8pm before needing to go to bed and not having to nap every single day now which means I can actually get things done like light housework and yoga a couple times a week!

Now naturally I am an organiser so I have a schedule, if I didn’t I would get nothing done and would feel so useless and that is just not me! So I divided my house into sections, 1) living room and small hallway 2) bathrooms 3) Main bedroom and each gets a day! So my week is usually planned for example monday section 1, tuesday yoga, wednesday section 2, thursday yoga, friday section 3 and it rolls on like that.

On days when I have to go out for doctors visits or to see relatives etc I don’t do yoga or housework and it rolls to the next day! Anyone who has a chronic illness that involves chronic fatigue is probably familiar with being organised like this, it is the best way to manage fatigue and still get your jobs done. I find that in this way I get my job done in the morning and it leaves me a couple of hours in the afternoon to either nap or spend a couple of hours online.

Everything is balanced on my illness, every day is whether it will let me do the things I want and there are times when a week goes by and I have not been well enough to do either housework or yoga, or I might feel wonderful in the morning and by the afternoon in so much pain I go to bed! The pain and fatigue mixed with depression and anxiety mean that every day feels different and though most people will make comments about how lucky I am to be able to sleep in or nap I am sure if they knew they would be thankful they didn’t have these symptoms!!

In this blog I hope to update every week, daily if I can though most days are pretty much the same and I wouldn’t want to bore you! You will get to know my hobbies, I will post reviews of my TV shows, and most of all tell you about my illnesses and how I have found a healthy diet and yoga as much as possible has helped me personally. I am not a doctor though so although I hope to get a healthy conversation going with people I am not trying to tell you how to deal with your illness. I believe by swapping ideas and things that work for each of us we can all find ways to live better.

Rock on Beverley x

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Hi there I am Beverley, I am a Buddhist Christian trying to find a way to live with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. I live with my Husband Lee and our dog Gizmo and our budgies Rey and Finn. I live in England and look forward to getting to know you better. I will be updating once a week.

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