The last year has been incredibly hard for me, I lost my Granddad, I had a flare of my fibromyalgia and my depression crashed down on me. I stopped really caring about how my house looked, how clean and tidy it was, I stopped looking after myself and just got lost in symptoms, and depression.
After recently seeing a psychic (HERE is a video about that) I found my depression and grief lifted and I started to realise that I wanted my life back. I might have constant pain, anxiety, fatigue and neurological problems, but I like my life and I am happy. I don’t expect a lot from life and all I want is to get back to daily yoga, meditation, and housework and to have enough energy to cook a healthy meal in the evening.
So how am I going to manage this when my flare has left me with more pain and fatigue though the worst of it has eased along with the depression. Well, if you have been following my blog for a while you will know that I am a planner, and this is how I am going to get my routines back.
I have my week ahead planned, I know what I am going to do and how, and that has left me feeling far less worried and overwhelmed. I have remade up my natural cleaning products and I am back to my determination to lessen the amount of chemicals in my home. I am hoping that with my new plans, my determined nature and lots of breaks I will be able to keep up with the daily routine I started today.
I woke up and took my medications at the usual time and then hit the yoga mat for a gentle 30minute practice, I then lay down and followed a 15minute guided meditation and then a short bible study. I then ate a yummy smoothie bowl and rested for a while before cleaning my living room. By the time I had done these things it was after 1pm and I was amazed at how long these few things took me, however I felt incredibly proud of myself for taking my time and listening to my body. After a shower, I came here and wrote this blog, I am hopeful that by breaking things into shorter tasks and being organised I can do this routine every day.
What I want to say is, life is hard with chronic illness, they grind you down and can become so hard to live with, but if you keep pushing and keep motivated you can still achieve your goals!
Wow is it just me or is the world getting crazier? Here in the UK we have had a concert in Manchester bombed and now stabbings and people hit with a van in London…I am in a small town but I have friends all over and who knows where the next attack is going to come from?
Now I know this will go against the first sentence I wrote up there, but I in fact do not think the world is getting crazier. I have lived through the IRA attacks, I have seen bombings and shootings and wars all over the world and I ask myself, when will we learn? People seem to be nastier and more outspoken, maybe because of the internet or maybe the internet has just given nasty people an outlet?
Either way for me personally seeing that nothing has changed leaves me quaking in my boots afraid to go out of the house to walk my dog and feeling very small and scared. I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which is characterised by WIKIPEDIA as:
“Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry, that is, apprehensive expectation about events or activities. … These symptoms must be consistent and ongoing, persisting at least six months, for a formal diagnosis of GAD.”
I have had this my whole life and was diagnosed about six years ago with it by a therapist who gave me a lot of coping mechanisms and tips and tricks to learn to live with it. In the last few years, I have worked hard to be able to go on short walks with Gizmo alone, and to be able to speak to people in shops etc.
However, these attacks have sent me scurrying back into my home to hide away, the thought of going away to London for a convention is in question and I feel like terror is really setting me back. The problem is that these evil people can strike at any time, we do not know who they are or when they are doing this which is why it is such a shock when it happens. I am worried that this will undo all the hard work I have put in and I really do not want that to happen.
I am hoping that I can set myself small goals, and use logic to try and stop myself slipping backwards, and I can only pray that these attacks stop soon. I hope we as humans can be good and can learn from the past, I do not understand war and I never want to know it all we can do is put our faith in the government to keep us safe and to protect us.
Stay safe everyone
So today I did something big…I cleared out my DVDs! The picture here I found on google but my collection was not far off it!!
When I first got sick I was young, I had just finished university and qualified as a nurse, I had a boyfriend and I lived alone in a city away from my parents. I was happy and I had a five year plan everything was going well. But because I could barely walk I lost my job, and I was living in a nurses home so I had to move out basically everything fell away from me in weeks and I soon found myself living back in my small town with my parents.
I became incredibly bored and really depressed, I had a lot of time on my hands suddenly and this was time I needed to rest. I had always loved films and TV shows and so I started to collect DVDs, films and box sets soon mounted into the hundreds and in the house I have now they take up three cabinets and a lot of room!
I realized that it was a problem a few months ago, I now have sky TV and Amazon between both of them most of the films and TV shows I loved were available to watch. However I was scared to give them up, I had needed them when I was back at my parents, single and hating my life. They got me through a breakdown, suicidal thoughts were pushed aside for a while as I watched them and I was emotionally holding onto them.
Today me and my husband went through our collection and it felt like taking a huge weight off my shoulders, I hadn’t realized how I was holding myself back by holding onto them. I study Buddhism now and as he once said:
“Life is a river always flowing, do not hold onto things.”
As always his wisdom is so true, my life has moved on and yet my attachment to these things were keeping my emotions back in that time. I am married now, we own our own home, and I even have a different diagnosis because back then they thought it was Multiple Sclerosis. Also I take my self-care a lot more seriously, I study Buddhism and Christianity, I eat healthy food and I do yoga.
I am looking forward to giving these DVDs to charity shops or even friends and family I know as they leave my life I will feel better and better. Our health is always our focus when we have chronic illness and it is easy to forget that mental health is just as important, so maybe it is time to clear out your closet or give away those old things that are holding you back?
Happy New Year everybody!!
So today I want to talk about moving forwards instead of what I have been up to over the last few days! Today is the 1st day of 2017 and I want to wipe everything away from 2016 and just look ahead and make some plans and promises to myself for the year ahead…
- I want to grow this blog: I have recently joined the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network and the Fibro Blogger Directory and these are just the first steps. I have a ton of articles saved at my Pinterest that I am going to actually read and implement. It can be hard to talk about myself, but I started blogging about my illnesses back on Livejournal and when I look back it was all very negative and I am glad this time it is not like that. I want to carry on trying to get my life where it needs to be despite having health problems and I want this blog to reflect that.
- Be less materialistic: I have suffered with depression for years, but when I first got sick and had to give up work etc I started to collect things…I always saw buying things as cheering myself up and that is very much how society is. I went back to this last year but now I want to not do that. It is empty and wasteful, I have everything I need and apart from things I need to eat there is not really anything I need to be buying!
- Clear out the rubbish: This is very much related to number two in that I want to stop holding on to the things that do not serve me! I do not need lots of DVDs because I now have Amazon Prime, or old CDs because I have a Spotify account, or ornaments that are not given to me or sentimental for some reason. So I am going to start when hubby get’s his licence back in April (He had it taken for a year after a seizure he has Epilepsy) and clear out the things that I do not need!
- Daily Yoga: I used to practice yoga every day, and then my Grandad passed away and depression came and I just struggled to get back to it. However Yoga with Adriene my you tube teacher has started a 31 day challenge today called Revolution and I am going to do my very best to hit the mat every day for that and then hopefully that will continue throughout the year.
- Daily Meditation/Bible Study: Meditation gives me peace and it quiets my mind, it helps me to stop living in the past (depression) or worrying about the future. Studying the bible keeps my heart open and keeps my eyes on God, I also want to read more Buddhist books and get back to God.
- Read more books: I am going to carry on posting my reading to my Goodreads and have set a goal of reading 20 books this year though I want to read more than that this feels like a manageable goal.
- Craft more: I want to learn to sew, I have started a class to learn the basics of digital photography and I want to open an Etsy store selling plush toys…
Now I know what you are thinking, but Beverley what about naps and what about your illnesses? And to this I say I can only do my best! I am determined to be the best I can and no matter what this year presents me with I am going to keep my eyes on these goals and do all I can to achieve them. If they do not happen then that will be alright, I will simply try again next year!
It is harder with chronic fatigue and in constant pain, but we can either give into these things or fight through? I for one am going to pull on my boxing gloves and do all I can to keep fighting!
Happy New Year! Comment below with what your new years resolutions or goals are I would love to know?