Trying to live with Chronic Illness

christianity

Photo by Jonathan Fink on Unsplash

Hey everybody!

Yeah my body right now is painful, my joints hurt, my head aches and I am struggling to get enough energy to keep up with the housework and overall this is what we call a flare! Everyone with chronic illness knows what I mean by a flare, it is when your symptoms get worse and new symptoms even sometimes come to join the party!

When this happens it can be very easy to feel like a useless, painful lump on the sofa and wonder why your loved ones put up with you. I often feel guilty that my wonderful husband has to help me and I can fall into depression which as a chronic sufferer usually gets worse too. However, by using logic and finding ways to make life fun, you can get through to the other side without spending every day crying and feeling like the world would work better without you!

  1. TV shows – I am a Netflix user and right now I am using my flare and bad fatigue as a very good excuse to marathon all those TV shows in my watch list. Right now we are on season 2 of Stranger Things which is absolutely amazing and we are very much enjoying The Crown! Spending time cuddled up with a loved one or an equally cool friend watching awesome TV really distracts you from the negative thoughts that can start crowding in.
  2. Logic – I find a great way to fight my depression is to use logic, so when the depression tells me I am useless I think about what a good friend I am and how when I am well enough I do housework. If it tells me my husband would be better off without me, I look at him and see how happy he is with me and how silly he is and it pushes it away. Using logic to counter every negative thought works really well and was something an old therapist told me to do.
  3. Plan your week – Being organised comes naturally to me and is something I have always done, but it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. One thing I suggest is planning your week, split your jobs or chores up into smaller jobs you can manage and do them spread out over the week. Yes this can be frustrating, but it is better to do a little every day than to try and tackle big jobs that either do not get done or defeat you and leave you feeling worse.
  4. Put things away – One thing that comes with high fatigue is the very real problem of using things and not having the energy to put them away. It can leave your home feeling crowded, untidy and overwhelming, it takes a lot less energy to put one thing away than fifty, so next time you need to get up to go to the toilet or something like that, just put things away and tidy up. Keeping my home looking tidy helps me feel better especially if friends or family turn up!
  5. Be kind to yourself – This is a hard one, but imagine you are talking to your best friend and she said that she felt really sick all week and hadn’t been able to do housework and she felt really guilty about it…now imagine what you would say to her…treat yourself like your best friend. Be compassionate and loving and caring to yourself and always have a treat in the cupboard for emergencies!
  6. You can cry if you want to – No matter if you do all these things there will always be days when nothing helps, so shout at your illness not your loved ones and let those tears out. Crying is really healthy and not a sign of weakness at all like our society likes to make out. Do not be afraid to put some sad movies on and let it all out trust me the next day will feel better if you do not bottle everything up!

I hope if you are in a flare these help you like they have helped me and I hope things settle down very soon. Please leave me any coping solutions you use when your illnesses flare up down in the comments I would love to find some other ways to help.

Namaste xxx

My attitude to Yoga has changed, finally I am listening to my body and reaping the rewards

Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash

Hey everybody!

First of all I apologise for not writing a post last week! There was supposed to be someone to come and assess me for PIP the new disability benefit in the UK. I was so stressed it made my pain worse, and so I was struggling with so much…and then on top of that they just did not show up and did not call to explain! I have another appointment but I am not looking forward to all the stress it will bring. Anyway, yes that is why I did not post anything last week, I apologise.

So, I have been practising yoga now for about six years and for most of that time I have done it daily using the teacher Yoga with Adriene I have spoken about her many times. She is an amazing teacher and I love her style, however her videos are not aimed at the Spoonie community and so it can be difficult to keep up.

I often found that I had to choose whether to do yoga or some housework and practising daily was impossible. I love yoga and I want to do it daily it is my main form of exercise, it keeps my body supple and helps me to be in the moment. I use it as part of my religion as I am Christian Buddist and so I really wanted to find a gentle practice that I could do every day and it would not make me too tired.

Then Adriene uploaded a ‘Yin yoga’ routine which is a form of yoga I had not heard of before:

“Yin yoga is a slow-paced style of yoga with postures, or asanas, that are held for longer periods of time—for beginners, it may range from 45 seconds to two minutes; more advanced practitioners may stay in one asana for five minutes or more.”

I really enjoyed it and though it is not what people picture when they think of yoga I really got so much out of it because it moved my body but was gentle and did not tire me out….so I started hunting for different yoga teachers on You Tube who practiced more gentle routines that could help me to listen to my body more and not make my illnesses worse.

I found a couple of teachers so far, Sleepy Santosha is a woman who is a Spoonie and because of that her routines are designed for people with illnesses. She has a very soothing style, the routines are awesome and she has some specifically for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. Chakrapod is the another teacher who has routines for specific illnesses but also some that are a little tougher and more traditional, I love her style she is really chill and I would recommend her. I have some others as well and you can find the exercise routines I do in a playlist HERE

Overall, this change has bought me closer to what yoga is really about, it is not about getting abs and doing crazy poses that you can show off! Yoga is anything where you are concentrated on breath and movement, and there are lots of yoga routines you can actually do in bed. This change in my attitude to yoga means I can now do yoga every day and I can still manage a little housework, my symptoms are more level and do not fluctuate as much as they were when I was trying to push myself.

Do you have any yoga teachers like this that you would recommend? If you try any of the yoga routines in my list let me know I would love to know what you think of them.

Namaste xxx

Photo by Sasha • Instagram.com/sanfrancisco on Unsplash

Hey everybody!

So as you might know, if you have been reading my blog for a while, I have been struggling with my depression for a while now. Our living room has felt cramped and clutttered for a while now and so me and my husband thought we would have a change. We cancelled Sky TV because we never watched it, and that meant the TV did not have to be next to the window like it always has been.

We donated some furniture and things and that freed us up to bring down Lee’s grandmother’s rocking chair and use some savings to get a couple of antiques. Now after a couple days of craziness in the living room the space feels bigger and calmer. We both love spending time in there now and nothing beats feeling relaxed and calm in your own living room.

Now it might seem strange, but I have also found my mood has drastically changed since the change round as well! I had not imagined it would make a difference, but honestly I do feel lighter and happier and I don’t know maybe the old addage ‘a change is as good as a rest’ is true?

Now I am not suggesting we all go around changing our whole lives around, but maybe now and then we need to take care of our surroundings:

  • Pull furniture out and give it a good clean
  • Declutter your space and get organised
  • Donate any furniture or ornaments you are not attached to
  • paint or recover old furniture to give it a new lease on life
  • Get some new throw pillows or blankets/throws to brighten up the area

I hope this new brighter mood lasts, but even if it doesn’t I hope that I can always appreciate the things around me. Buddhism and Christianity teach that we should not hoard things or become too attached to them…maybe that is why I feel so much lighter now?

Namaste xxx

Photo by Carmen Marxuach on Unsplash

Hi Everyone!

First of all I apologise for this post coming to you a little late, when you read this post I hope you will understand why I needed a little time to process things.

So last year my beloved Grandad passed away, he was my best friend and I spent much of my childhood in their bungalow with him and my Nan. Losing him was hard on everyone in the family of course and it took us some time to recover from losing him in our lives.

What we hadn’t known while he was alive was how bad my Nan’s Alzheimer had become because he would cover for her. My Dad has been incredible taking care of her, but it came to a point when she was not safe at the bungalow alone with people just popping in anymore.

She was assessed and has a place in a wonderful residential home not too far from us, where she will be safe and cared for 24/7. It will take a lot of pressure off my Dad and I hope will allow him to get some of his relationship with her back. He was working so hard to look after her that I could tell he was beginning to resent her because he was so tired and missing out on things. I am so glad that she will be safe and he will be able to relax knowing she is.

However, her getting this place means letting go of the bungalow she lived in with Grandad and it almost feels to me like losing Grandad all over again. My Nan has kept a few posessions, and me, my Dad and his brother have taken the things that are treasures to us. I was going to go to the bungalow with my dad to look for myself, but in the end this was not possible and in a way I was glad to have only happy memories of the place I spent much of my childhood.

I now have the small table that I ate on as a child, ornaments and trinkets that I saw about them, and pictures that meant so much to me as I grew up. I will treasure all of these things and the memories they hold for me every day, however getting them feels so sad and I am struggling to process by it is upsetting me so much when I should be thankful my Nan is safe and not feeling so down.

I am a Buddhist Christian, and as such I try to live in the moment, I am still learning this valuable skill, but these events have shown me I am so attached to the things that represent those I care for. I have the memories and they cannot be replaced, but I love having my Nan and Grandad’s things about me. Does this make me too materialistic? I am very reflective and a little lost right now, but I know one day I will look back and see a big lesson this experience taught me.

Namaste xxx

Today I talk about how hard it is to get back to the way things were after a flare of my fibromyalgia Hey everybody!

The last year has been incredibly hard for me, I lost my Granddad, I had a flare of my fibromyalgia and my depression crashed down on me. I stopped really caring about how my house looked, how clean and tidy it was, I stopped looking after myself and just got lost in symptoms, and depression.

After recently seeing a psychic (HERE is a video about that) I found my depression and grief lifted and I started to realise that I wanted my life back. I might have constant pain, anxiety, fatigue and neurological problems, but I like my life and I am happy. I don’t expect a lot from life and all I want is to get back to daily yoga, meditation, and housework and to have enough energy to cook a healthy meal in the evening.

So how am I going to manage this when my flare has left me with more pain and fatigue though the worst of it has eased along with the depression. Well, if you have been following my blog for a while you will know that I am a planner, and this is how I am going to get my routines back.

I have my week ahead planned, I know what I am going to do and how, and that has left me feeling far less worried and overwhelmed. I have remade up my natural cleaning products and I am back to my determination to lessen the amount of chemicals in my home. I am hoping that with my new plans, my determined nature and lots of breaks I will be able to keep up with the daily routine I started today.

I woke up and took my medications at the usual time and then hit the yoga mat for a gentle 30minute practice, I then lay down and followed a 15minute guided meditation and then a short bible study. I then ate a yummy smoothie bowl and rested for a while before cleaning my living room. By the time I had done these things it was after 1pm and I was amazed at how long these few things took me, however I felt incredibly proud of myself for taking my time and listening to my body. After a shower, I came here and wrote this blog, I am hopeful that by breaking things into shorter tasks and being organised I can do this routine every day.

What I want to say is, life is hard with chronic illness, they grind you down and can become so hard to live with, but if you keep pushing and keep motivated you can still achieve your goals!

Namaste xxx

After recent terrorist attacks in the UK I talk about how I cope with them and anxiety Hey everybody!

Wow is it just me or is the world getting crazier? Here in the UK we have had a concert in Manchester bombed and now stabbings and people hit with a van in London…I am in a small town but I have friends all over and who knows where the next attack is going to come from?

Now I know this will go against the first sentence I wrote up there, but I in fact do not think the world is getting crazier. I have lived through the IRA attacks, I have seen bombings and shootings and wars all over the world and I ask myself, when will we learn? People seem to be nastier and more outspoken, maybe because of the internet or maybe the internet has just given nasty people an outlet?

Either way for me personally seeing that nothing has changed leaves me quaking in my boots afraid to go out of the house to walk my dog and feeling very small and scared. I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which is characterised by WIKIPEDIA as:

“Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry, that is, apprehensive expectation about events or activities. … These symptoms must be consistent and ongoing, persisting at least six months, for a formal diagnosis of GAD.”

I have had this my whole life and was diagnosed about six years ago with it by a therapist who gave me a lot of coping mechanisms and tips and tricks to learn to live with it. In the last few years, I have worked hard to be able to go on short walks with Gizmo alone, and to be able to speak to people in shops etc.

However, these attacks have sent me scurrying back into my home to hide away, the thought of going away to London for a convention is in question and I feel like terror is really setting me back. The problem is that these evil people can strike at any time, we do not know who they are or when they are doing this which is why it is such a shock when it happens. I am worried that this will undo all the hard work I have put in and I really do not want that to happen.

I am hoping that I can set myself small goals, and use logic to try and stop myself slipping backwards, and I can only pray that these attacks stop soon. I hope we as humans can be good and can learn from the past, I do not understand war and I never want to know it all we can do is put our faith in the government to keep us safe and to protect us.

Stay safe everyone

Namaste xxx

Today I talk about letting go of attachments to things and moving forward away from depression.

Letting go of my depressed life

Hey Everybody!

So today I did something big…I cleared out my DVDs! The picture here I found on google but my collection was not far off it!!

When I first got sick I was young, I had just finished university and qualified as a nurse, I had a boyfriend and I lived alone in a city away from my parents. I was happy and I had a five year plan everything was going well. But because I could barely walk I lost my job, and I was living in a nurses home so I had to move out basically everything fell away from me in weeks and I soon found myself living back in my small town with my parents.

I became incredibly bored and really depressed, I had a lot of time on my hands suddenly and this was time I needed to rest. I had always loved films and TV shows and so I started to collect DVDs, films and box sets soon mounted into the hundreds and in the house I have now they take up three cabinets and a lot of room!

I realized that it was a problem a few months ago, I now have sky TV and Amazon between both of them most of the films and TV shows I loved were available to watch. However I was scared to give them up, I had needed them when I was back at my parents, single and hating my life. They got me through a breakdown, suicidal thoughts were pushed aside for a while as I watched them and I was emotionally holding onto them.

Today me and my husband went through our collection and it felt like taking a huge weight off my shoulders, I hadn’t realized how I was holding myself back by holding onto them. I study Buddhism now and as he once said:

“Life is a river always flowing, do not hold onto things.”

As always his wisdom is so true, my life has moved on and yet my attachment to these things were keeping my emotions back in that time. I am married now, we own our own home, and I even have a different diagnosis because back then they thought it was Multiple Sclerosis. Also I take my self-care a lot more seriously, I study Buddhism and Christianity, I eat healthy food and I do yoga.

I am looking forward to giving these DVDs to charity shops or even friends and family I know as they leave my life I will feel better and better. Our health is always our focus when we have chronic illness and it is easy to forget that mental health is just as important, so maybe it is time to clear out your closet or give away those old things that are holding you back?

Namaste xxx

Happy New Year everybody!!

So today I want to talk about moving forwards instead of what I have been up to over the last few days! Today is the 1st day of 2017 and I want to wipe everything away from 2016 and just look ahead and make some plans and promises to myself for the year ahead…

  1. I want to grow this blog: I have recently joined the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network and the Fibro Blogger Directory and these are just the first steps. I have a ton of articles saved at my Pinterest that I am going to actually read and implement. It can be hard to talk about myself, but I started blogging about my illnesses back on Livejournal and when I look back it was all very negative and I am glad this time it is not like that. I want to carry on trying to get my life where it needs to be despite having health problems and I want this blog to reflect that.
  2. Be less materialistic: I have suffered with depression for years, but when I first got sick and had to give up work etc I started to collect things…I always saw buying things as cheering myself up and that is very much how society is. I went back to this last year but now I want to not do that. It is empty and wasteful, I have everything I need and apart from things I need to eat there is not really anything I need to be buying!
  3. Clear out the rubbish: This is very much related to number two in that I want to stop holding on to the things that do not serve me! I do not need lots of DVDs because I now have Amazon Prime, or old CDs because I have a Spotify account, or ornaments that are not given to me or sentimental for some reason. So I am going to start when hubby get’s his licence back in April (He had it taken for a year after a seizure he has Epilepsy) and clear out the things that I do not need!
  4. Daily Yoga: I used to practice yoga every day, and then my Grandad passed away and depression came and I just struggled to get back to it. However Yoga with Adriene my you tube teacher has started a 31 day challenge today called Revolution and I am going to do my very best to hit the mat every day for that and then hopefully that will continue throughout the year.
  5. Daily Meditation/Bible Study: Meditation gives me peace and it quiets my mind, it helps me to stop living in the past (depression) or worrying about the future. Studying the bible keeps my heart open and keeps my eyes on God, I also want to read more Buddhist books and get back to God.
  6. Read more books: I am going to carry on posting my reading to my Goodreads and have set a goal of reading 20 books this year though I want to read more than that this feels like a manageable goal.
  7. Craft more: I want to learn to sew, I have started a class to learn the basics of digital photography and I want to open an Etsy store selling plush toys…

Now I know what you are thinking, but Beverley what about naps and what about your illnesses? And to this I say I can only do my best! I am determined to be the best I can and no matter what this year presents me with I am going to keep my eyes on these goals and do all I can to achieve them. If they do not happen then that will be alright, I will simply try again next year!

It is harder with chronic fatigue and in constant pain, but we can either give into these things or fight through? I for one am going to pull on my boxing gloves and do all I can to keep fighting!

Happy New Year! Comment below with what your new years resolutions or goals are I would love to know?

Namaste xxx

Hello

Hi there I am Beverley, I am a Buddhist Christian trying to find a way to live with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. I live with my Husband Lee and our dog Gizmo and our budgies Rey and Finn. I live in England and look forward to getting to know you better. I will be updating once a week.

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