The last year has been incredibly hard for me, I lost my Granddad, I had a flare of my fibromyalgia and my depression crashed down on me. I stopped really caring about how my house looked, how clean and tidy it was, I stopped looking after myself and just got lost in symptoms, and depression.
After recently seeing a psychic (HERE is a video about that) I found my depression and grief lifted and I started to realise that I wanted my life back. I might have constant pain, anxiety, fatigue and neurological problems, but I like my life and I am happy. I don’t expect a lot from life and all I want is to get back to daily yoga, meditation, and housework and to have enough energy to cook a healthy meal in the evening.
So how am I going to manage this when my flare has left me with more pain and fatigue though the worst of it has eased along with the depression. Well, if you have been following my blog for a while you will know that I am a planner, and this is how I am going to get my routines back.
I have my week ahead planned, I know what I am going to do and how, and that has left me feeling far less worried and overwhelmed. I have remade up my natural cleaning products and I am back to my determination to lessen the amount of chemicals in my home. I am hoping that with my new plans, my determined nature and lots of breaks I will be able to keep up with the daily routine I started today.
I woke up and took my medications at the usual time and then hit the yoga mat for a gentle 30minute practice, I then lay down and followed a 15minute guided meditation and then a short bible study. I then ate a yummy smoothie bowl and rested for a while before cleaning my living room. By the time I had done these things it was after 1pm and I was amazed at how long these few things took me, however I felt incredibly proud of myself for taking my time and listening to my body. After a shower, I came here and wrote this blog, I am hopeful that by breaking things into shorter tasks and being organised I can do this routine every day.
What I want to say is, life is hard with chronic illness, they grind you down and can become so hard to live with, but if you keep pushing and keep motivated you can still achieve your goals!
-plops down in a chair- Wow I had such an amazing few days celebrating my birthday! I have been spoilt by the people who mean the most to me and I have eaten more processed food and sugar than I usually eat in a year! It was so worth it!
On Thursday I was woken early, it was my birthday and I had presents to open and then I was told I needed to get showered for a surprise! The surprise was my best friend Louise and her mom, Gill coming all the way from London for the day and oh my goodness it made such an incredible day! We sat and chatted for aaages, my mom came for a little bit too and then my mom had to go home so she couldn’t come out for lunch which was a shame. However, me, Lee, Louise and Gill went to a local pub we love for lunch.
We had such lovely food and more talking and I cannot even express how much it meant to me to have them with me for my day. I so wish we lived closer but I cherish every time I get to see them and it made my day so special to see them. In the evening, my dad and his girlfriend Linda came over and we just had a really relaxed night chatting and we had a take away of Indian food which was so yummy.
Yesterday was part 2 of the celebrations as me, Lee, my Nan, my dad, Linda, and some close friends Annalise, and Jess and Paul all came out for Afternoon tea. This was at a local hotel which is really lovely they have a lot of weddings and afternoon tea is lots of nice tea in lovely china teapots, and sandwiches, cakes and scones. It is so very English but really relaxed and just so nice to eat lots of yummy food and spend time with the people who count.
Now, I have a few illnesses that mean these two days were difficult for me and though I think it was worth it I also had to have it all planned out for a while! I started resting ready for celebrating at the start of the month, I definitely needed to because being social and talking as well as the walking needed are all so tiring. Getting tired also means that my pain is worse so I have to be aware if I take more meds that they will make me drowsy and I need to be patient with myself and let myself rest.
It is now the day after and I feel hungover though I did not drink anything and that is because of all the sugar and processed food I ate, I feel nauseous and my pain in my shoulders and the back of my head feels awful. I usually try to eat plainly, to make my food from scratch and to not eat take away or cakes and things. I am someone who tries to be as healthy as I can and I do notice if I eat food that is less healthy I can tell. Today I am drinking a lot of water to try and flush my system out and help my body filter out the less than healthy food.
I think however much we try to look after our health it is good to remember that there are special occasions and events where you need to enjoy yourself. Of course, afterwards your illnesses might flare but if you have had fun I find I don’t tend to mind it as much.
So on the 16th of this month it is my birthday, and as I thought about the things I wanted out of the year ahead the main one was to look after myself better and to be kinder to myself. These are both things that I struggle with, I think most people do but I want to talk about how we all need to change this!
So when I was at school I had problems with eating, I often skipped meals or did not eat at all, this continued into my university years and I got very thin…the thinner I got the more compliments I got and so the cycle begins!
Now I am older of course and I can look back and see how society is constantly telling us that we are not enough. Even models and actresses get teased by magazines if they have a bit of cellulite and they have personal trainers and their perfectly calculated meals delivered to them! So it is no wonder that we struggle with dieting and wanting to fit into that dress or look good naked, but I am taking a stand!
It is incredibly hard when you have chronic pain and fatigue to work out, to get out, to do the things society says is normal. It is impossible to look like society wants when you have a wheelchair, or a walking stick, or you need incontinence pads, or you have bandages etc! I often find it hard to feel like myself because I walk with a limp, and I use walking aids, and it is impossible to feel sexy when you have a flare and cannot work out at all so you put some weight on!
I am currently a size 12, I was this size when I met Lee and it seems to be the size that my body is the happiest at. I would like to tone my body more, which will happen with my yoga and by just being patient and working on keeping up with exercise. I think practising yoga has taught me a lot mainly that I need to be patient, it is not about being perfect or getting the pose now. It is about appreciating the journey and loving yourself and your body enough to work within it’s limits to learn and to grow.
This month I want to focus on my mental health, last year I lost my Grandad and it spiralled me out of yoga daily and going out with the dog and eating right into a very bad depression. Starting this blog was a way for me to get out of myself and to become a better person by not sitting stewing in my thoughts all the time. I want to love myself, I never have and I desperately want to look in the mirror and not see a thousand flaws, to be with people and be fun and not someone who puts them self down! I want to feel sexy, and think people are checking me out not just staring at my walking stick or wheelchair wondering what is wrong with me!
I found recently I have been struggling to eat right to plan yummy meals that will keep me and my husband healthy and I want to get back to that. I also want to bake again I miss that, and I want to be the best person I can be Buddhism and yoga have set me on this path and I want to continue down it.
So instead of worrying what you look like, or putting people down, or skipping meals or dieting let’s enjoy life again! The press and TV and film have changed the way we see ourselves and not for the better. I am going to be posting daily on my instagram something I love about myself…maybe you could join me? Let’s start a revolution!
So I am struggling at the moment and I have no idea what to do or who to ask and to be honest it is making me tearful and feel really down.
So I have been having digestive issues for a while now and a few months ago I had cameras everywhere to check I had no tumours or ulcers or anything like that which were thankfully all clear. However, those problems are still present and I am having a lot of stomach pains…
So about a month ago I went to a new doctor at Burton hospital to try and find out more and he said it could be Celiacs Disease which basically means you cannot have gluten. This would mean a big shift in my diet and so I have been trying to eat well lots of fruit and veg, lots of spinach and I bought a spiralizer so I can make Zoodles instead of pasta!
However, now I am finding my pain is getting worse as well as my fatigue so everything is off with me right now and I am really worried. I am still waiting for this doctor to send me the results which is so frustrating because they must have the results to a simple blood test by now! I am really getting down and feeling extremely depressed and confused. Why is a healthy diet so hard to figure out? Why is it taking so long to find out what is wrong? And what am I doing wrong now?
Basically I am going away with my bestie Hannah this weekend so no blog on Sunday but full update on Wednesday, we are going with hannah’s friend Caitlin to London to a convention for Lost Girl fans! I am incredibly excited because two of my favourite actors are going to be there Paul Amos and Tim Rozon so I am hoping it will lift my spirits and just help me to relax and have fun!
I am sorry this is not a cheery post but I am just not in a brilliant place right now take care everyone
Well last 2 days I have not been well, and before I tell you why I will preface this with the fact that my husband is an amazing carer and this has only ever done this once before in 8years together…
So Friday afternoon Lee sat down to do the weeks medication, and realised he had forgotten to go to the chemist and pick up my painkillers and iron tablets. Now it was late on Friday and there was no way to get there in time…this meant I had all weekend without pain relief other than Ibuprofen which without the rest of my meds is pretty useless against the pain I have daily.
By Saturday afternoon I was at about 8/10 on the pain scale and really suffering, all weekend I felt sick, hot and got hardly any sleep. To say the weekend was hell would be an understatement, and a lot of that is because I am on these meds all day every day and my body needs them. I was going cold turkey and now I have them again I can really appreciate how these small tablets I take without giving them much thought are needed just so I can cope.
It is hard to realise I need medication, as you all know I turn more to alternative therapies mostly and so I do find that I struggle to admit how much I need tablets and pain relief etc. However, I am so so thankful to be back on my medications and really appreciate how much it helps me just need to rest and recover now!
This week I also had a hospital appointment and I am waiting for results to find out if I have Celiacs Disease which basically would mean I would need to change to a gluten free diet. This would explain a lot of my symptoms that I have been investigated for as well as the Anaemia so I am looking forward to some answers hopefully. I am feeling worried about how to change my diet because a lot of vegetarian foods are covered in breadcrumbs etc however I am someone who tries to take care of my diet so I will certainly look into finding ways to cope with it should I have it.
So a lot going on with my health right now, but I am excited to get some answers and happy to have a new respect for my medication.
This week has been tough, my pain and fatigue have been hard and I have had to power through to be able to work out and look after myself. I have also been trying hard to look after my husband Lee who is struggling at the moment.
I think seeing him have a tough time is harder than anything I go through, I always feel so hopeless! But we have been through a lot together and I know our sense of humour and love for one another will get us through.
I have this week discovered smoothie bowls, if you have no idea what I am talking about just google them! So yummy, super healthy and a really colourful and filling way to have breakfast! I love fruit and they are a great way to mix fruit and nuts and museli together! If you try them let me know what you think in the comments!
My obsession with Shameless continues, I cannot get the theme song out of my head which is a very real problem as anyone who binge watches TV shows will know! I have memory problems and watching the show like this really helps with my remembering who is who and what their stories are. Sometimes I find if I I watch a show weekly I get confused and forget so much and I really struggle, so if you have memory problems too binge watching defo helps!
Tonight I am going to see the new Star trek movie I am so so excited!! I have been a huge fan of Simon Pegg since he was in Faith in the Future in 1997 and I love to support his work. I am just beside myself to see Sexy Scotty and I am even doing my make up themed for it I will post a picture on my Instagram lol! I will post a review in the next few days so watch out for that!
I guess my main message is that no matter what you go through always keep your eyes on the good things…a nice meal or a sunset or just being comfy and warm…every day look for at least one good thing. Humour and being positive will always make your life better so keep smiling and live long and prosper! Namaste xx