Today I went out with my friend Jess for a coffee and a slice of cake, something we would do from time to time. But after lockdowns being social again feels so alien and especially for me who finds social situations awkward at times.
I was never very good at social situations, a fact that now my mom puts down to me being autistic though I’ve never been diagnosed or anything. However, I could always muddle through and have fun with my friends who I could be myself with. I have a lot of really lovely memories of spending time with Jess and her partner paul, and though I always felt nervous I got through it.
As I have spoken about many times on the blog, I do have generalised anxiety disorder and that does affect me a lot. Today I was excited to see Jess, but I also felt incredibly anxious, what to wear, will we eat inside or outside, how will I order my food, what will I have….and the thoughts go on and on.
Anxiety is more than just feeling nervous, it’s thoughts of disaster that seem so real they are impossible to ignore. I imagined choking on my cake because of recent throat issues, of the person being rude to me, of not having the right money to pay and a million other things that didn’t happen. Anxiety is overwhelming and comes out of nowhere so much that it knocks you sideways, unable to think of anything else but the imagined impending doom.
In reality I had a lovely time, we ate in a lovely local café, I had a nut latte with a slice of lemon and blueberry drizzle cake. We chatted and chatted and even had time for a little adventure at the British heart foundation charity shop. If you want to see what I bought head over to my YouTube channel and subscribe so you don’t miss my what I thrifted in June video.
One thing we both commented on was the basic social things that we often take for granted like hugs! Both of us are huggers and would always hug hello and goodbye whenever we saw one another, but we were both unsure. We knew restrictions allowed it, but was it something we should do? We went into hug and then paused and double checked the other was ok with it, the short hiatus of society certainly changed things!
It’s now I’m getting back to seeing friends that I realise being social again and feeling comfortable doing it is going to take time. But I’m just so thankful that once again I can see my dear friends and we don’t take it for granted quite so much as we did.
Thank you xx