Welcome back to my blog, and wow this week has been kind of tough for me both with my mediumship and my health! I really want to get going and keep growing but somehow my body has been asking for me to do nothing and just wait for this all to blow over!
Patience has never been something I have been especially skilled at, and to be honest I would like to be better at it. The problem is when you pray for patience God tends to make you wait for things! However, knowing this I have been praying to have more patience and to accept things will happen in His time, and so he made me wait and grudgingly I went with it!
Week before last I had some antibiotics for an infection, and shortly afterwards I started to get a lot of pain through the middle of my body like I had been impaled or kicked in my back. It has made it so hard to sit or stand for long and has stopped me doing most housework other than light things, and all yoga/physiotherapy!
I thought it was a flare and that was why I focused on that last week, eventually though I couldn’t take it any longer and made an appointment with my GP. I got to see a locum this time, and I am glad I did because she was thorough and so nice. She listened to me which, as other chronic illness warriors will know, is rare and came to the conclusion that after years on medications the antibiotics had been the tipping point.
She explained that they had interfered with another medication I was already on and caused gastritis, which is inflammation of the stomach lining. She took me off one of my meds and sent me to the hospital for blood tests to make sure it hadn’t upset my liver and pancreas as well. This scared me, for a long time I have wanted to lead a more natural life, but somehow medications never seemed an option but now I really wish I could see my regular doctor and see what I need to be on and what I can come off and maybe look into more natural remedies.
This gastritis is so painful and draining, I feel awful so the thought of doing long meditations and working with tarot etc is the last thing I have energy for. It is so frustrating because I really want to progress and have a relationship with my spirit guides, but how can that happen when my pain is so bad I cannot meditate properly? I read so many books and blog posts about connecting with them, but most say it takes time and if you are not connecting there is something holding you back…
Is it my health? I kept thinking it was my fear and lack of self confidence, which it could also be, but I think most of my fellow warriors will understand that it often feels as if our health is always holding us back. I started to get frustrated, I couldn’t even hide it at my psychic class and I worry about this being the thing that stops me finding and achieving my soul’s purpose!
Then I remembered, I had prayed for patience…we are told in the bible and in most sacred texts I have read, that patience is a big part of faith. Everything happens in God’s time, He has a plan for my life and maybe I need to stop trying to get ahead and instead trust that things will happen when they are supposed to.
I guess I just need to make a cup of tea and wait for this all to blow over and for things to fall into place when they are meant to!
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So as you probably know by now, I am currently on a spiritual journey and I am excited that I am starting to feel more confident to be sharing more about that both here and on my You Tube channel. It feels so nice to be exploring the world and finding out that I do still have a purpose and a reason to be in the world. I feel like I fell out of society when I became chronically sick, however, now I have been studying about my soul’s purpose I am trying to find my place in the world again.
I am loving the courses I have done so far with my teacher Lynda Bourne, I have done the Working with spirit guides and angels and I am currently doing the Psychic mediumship level 1 course. I love learning how to connect and discovering more about how things work and how to do them safely. However, so far it has not set my heart alight and I still struggle to connect at all with my spirit guides which is a big part of it.
However, I have been studying and working hard on my own, listening to podcasts and reading so much and it feels like I am on the verge of something…
Now what that is I just do not know but I am working hard to improve my confidence and self esteem two things that I never had much of but that really took a bashing when I got sick. Along with that I have been doing a lot of soul searching and looking to my childhood to try and find out what I should be doing. This is because when you are young society has not had time to put it’s constraints on you and the things you loved then can give clues.
So when I was a kid I would spend a lot of time playing in our back garden and collecting stones and I had a few crystals, looking back can really help you to see how to move forward. Now I am an adult and I am most happy in the countryside enjoying nature, I collect crystals and yes I still pick up stones everywhere! So maybe my future has something to do with nature and crystals? Another clue can come from what other people come to you for or what they compliment you about, now my whole life I have had people come to me for advice and to talk. I am very logical and have been told I am really good friend so maybe helping people find their way?
Now of course, my blog and You Tube could be a part of that I do try to give advice and tips on here and in my videos, and perhaps stones and crystals can be a way to help others through healing? Then again I am also a huge fan of meditation and Lynda teaches meditation as well as crystal healing, so you can see how there is a hazy picture coming into view but for right now it is confusing.
I hope you will stick around as I continue on my journey and as always I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below
My pain is flaring at the moment and I will be honest it is kind of worrying and overwhelming! I am trying to keep my chin up and keep going, I think sometimes pain and fatigue can stop us in our tracks then we find our ways of coping; So when we flare it can be difficult to find our feet again
because we are already running at a much lower pace than most people could cope with!
What is a flare?
A flare is when your symptoms get worse but it is because of something you know and you are sure it will get better, for example after going out for the day or seasonal weather changes.
“A flare is a transient worsening in severity of a disease or condition that eventually subsides or lessens. For example, in many arthritis conditions the joints can flare with worsening of stiffness, pain, and swelling” – medicinenet.com
How do I cope?
I would usually go to see my General Practitioner, but to be honest she is not very compassionate and I do not think she feels Fibromyalgia is a real illness. She also has said many times she cannot give me anything else for pain and to try paracetamol, I did have a little hope when I was referred to a pain clinic…until they wrote refusing to see me because there was nothing they could do!
So the question I ask myself at times like this is how am I going to cope? I know I cannot turn to my doctor and though I am under a long term physiotherapist, I do not have anyone overseeing my whole condition who is a hospital team or anything like that. I think that is why it feels overwhelming because I have nobody to call and ask for help, but if you have been reading my blog posts for a while, you will know I am always looking to be as positive as I can.
Here is the things that are getting me through this flare:
CBD Balm – This stuff is brilliant for putting on the exact area of pain, and right now I am using it a lot on the back of my neck where my spine is very painful.
Heating Pad – Every chronic illness warrior knows that if you have a good heating pad you can use it to help pain so much. You can pick them up quite cheaply and they are brilliant especially for nerve pain which I am using one for right now!
Crystals – These days I can often be found with a crystal on my person and if I am in pain I will hold one against the area that hurts. Different crystals work for different conditions so check out that link for more information.
CBD oil – I have used this before but was priced out of using it for a while, however now my pain has flared I have turned back to it and I take it just at night to reduce my pain and to help my sleep. I also use the crystal Howlite at night to help me sleep and its soothing to hold so I would recommend that.
I would love to hear what helps you at times like this and also I do hope this helps you a little even if it is knowing you aren’t alone while the seasons change.
Winter is coming fast and like in the spring I like to take stock and look ahead. Making plans and changing things up, and that is happening on this blog as well. If you have been following me on Instagram recently, you will know that I have been really getting into my psychic classes, and especially I have become interested in Crystals and living more in tune with the Earth.
Now I started this blog to talk about chronic illness and how my faith helps me through, but my faith has changed and so has my outlook. I was a Christian-Buddhist then but now I see man made religion as holding me back from really getting close to God. I love that he provides every kind of plant to heal us, and crystals and rocks that contain energy to help us as well. If we live our lives around the moon then we are more in line…
Now I do not want you thinking I am no longer a Christian because I am, I still read my bible daily, and my faith is still the cornerstone of how I live my life. However, I want to talk more about my beliefs and my psychic class and the things I am learning on here, so from now on I shall be talking about that on a Monday and on a Friday you will get a round up of how my chronic illnesses are going and how my life is going.
Here we go:
So this week I started a book called Moonology the author is an astrologist and she believes that linking up your plans and hopes every month with the moon will help them to happen. Now I am not a Wiccan, I do not have alters or do spells because I believe in the power of prayer. I am new to manifesting myself, but I know that by trusting in God and setting intentions then we can make anything happen. We know that ancient civilisations trusted in the stars and moon, and I think they were right, I think God provided so many simple ways for us to make our prayers more powerful.
I am really enjoying reading and learning about the power of the moon’s influence over prayer and I am going to start using it in my monthly plans from now on. I really would love to see my blog and my You Tube Channel do well and start to grow so I can help others and as the bible says:
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. – Matthew 5:14-16
I have also been studying some crystals and really starting to learn about the ways that crystals can help those of us with chronic illness, for example Howlite is a really calming stone. It helps reduce anxiety and stress, it is great for insomnia and having it by your bedside will help you to sleep, it did for me! It can also clear your mind and so it helps with both meditation and mindfulness and has really become a favourite stone of mine. I am learning about how they can help different illnesses and I even had a bracelet made for my husband by Mighty Moon on Etsy with crystals meant to help with epilepsy.
Now I am not suggesting that they are a cure, but if you use them alongside other forms of care what is the harm? Do you use anything like this? What crystals or books do you recommend for someone wanting to get into more natural remedies and to support their body without so many chemicals that cost so much money!
My psychic week:
So I have been meditating a lot, reading up on so much and spending a lot of time trying to find my way and getting close to my intuition. I have been getting hazy images in my third eye of things changed round in the room while meditating, and after speaking to my psychic teacher I found this was perfectly normal. It was simply my Spirit Guides training and teaching my spiritual mind to learn logic. This was so interesting to me and I find the more I meditate and learn the more I open up to angels and spirit guides.
I have also been having times when I can hijack my dreams and use them, while asleep, to contact people I know who have passed!! I am unsure right now how this will play out, but it has happened three times and I am quite excited to learn more. Right now it kind of feels like the world is opening up to me and I am learning from much older civilisations how to get closer to God and how to open up to this Earth that God gave us.
I hope you will enjoy this change on the blog, and that you will stick with me while I find my way with updating twice and talking about my spiritual side, please let me know down below in the comments if you have any ideas or thoughts.
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Well I have been put on antibiotics this week, hence no post on Monday just gone, and I feel awful on them! I am literally sleeping most of the time and to be honest resting leads to guilt, and I have written about this before but the struggle is real!
My husband is not feeling too well right now either so I want to be looking after him, instead I am staying in bed all morning, needing baths to help my pain, and not managing to do my physiotherapy or yoga or any housework! I am literally a lump on the sofa and it is not a nice feeling at all!
Now I try my best to be positive, I make sure I have my God time every morning, I meditate and I practice mindfulness to try and help my chronic illnesses. However, there are times especially when I am struggling with my pain and fatigue, when I cannot control my thoughts and things can turn negative. This is when I need to dig deep and try to use all the tools in my toolbelt to try and keep my vibration and spirits up.
Now I don’t know about you, but I have a few things that help me and hopefully they can help you sometimes and I would love it if you would hop into the comments and share some of yours:
- Meditation: This is a big one for me, I use the Insight timer on my iPad to find guided meditations focused on self love, raising my vibrations and opening to the Solar Plexus Chakra which is connected to personal identity, self will and how much confidence you have. The Solar Plexus is very much related to energy levels, problems with digestion and metabolism so I am working very hard to connect and open this chakra up at the moment.
- Alternative Therapies: There are a wide range of crystals that can help with energy levels, I recently bought a Bloodstone and I am working with this just holding it and meditating with it to see if it helps. There are a lot of things like essentials oils and crystals that have been used for thousands of years as medicine and I think it is important to investigate and try things to see what works.
- Diet: No I am not talking about losing weight, but just paying attention to what you eat when you have chronic illnesses. There are so many diets recommended for different illnesses and it is important to check out bloggers who are living with those illnesses to find recommendations that actually work. I am trying to stay away from fatty and processed foods and to get back to making things from scratch.
- Listen to your body: The main thing I would say is to be in the moment and listen to your body, it will generally tell you when it needs to rest or eat or when there is pain and it is when we ignore these signals when a flare comes!
- Take a bath: I use some lovely Magnesium salts and a bath bomb, magnesium salts can help pain and resting in warm water if possible for you can really help with aching muscles as well as nerve pain. I sometimes bathe in the evening then go to bed and oh my goodness do I get a good sleep!
- Heating Pad: these are a staple of any chronic illness warrior honestly a heating pad can make all the difference, I use mine a lot in the evening for my back pain and they are a must if you are dealing with long term pain.
Now I am currently watching one of my favourite podcasts on you tube and typing this out, but I cannot stop yawning and honestly I just want to be in bed! However, if I had not done this post I would have felt like I had achieved nothing today and that is such a difficult emotion to deal with. The best advice I can give is to remember that as a chronic illness warrior, we are dealing with so much just to keep going and because of this it is so hard to deal with societies expectations anyway so we need to give ourselves a break. I hadn’t really realised I was feeling guilty until today and I know I have dealt with this before, so I know I need to just let that go and try to remember my worth is more than what I do.
I hope you will post the things that help you down below in the comments and I am hopeful that my experiences this week can help you.
Sometimes chronic pain can get to a point where it is getting in the way of the life you want to live. I have dreams and things I want to achieve, but it is starting to feel as if my pain and fatigue are getting in the way.
I have a video I am putting up on my You Tube channel that kind of hits on this point, but basically it is that my spine pain gets so bad by early evening that I want to just go to bed and lie flat. I cannot think straight and to be honest I just feel like rubbish! Remembering the things I need to remember for my psychic course is becoming so difficult and I guess I am worried my illnesses are going to hold me back?
I guess I could be being silly, but it does feel a lot like I am letting myself down does that make sense? I mean should I be pushing through the pain and fatigue? I try my best to so that I can do a little housework and my physio exercises I mean it isn’t as if I get to do much already because of my fatigue and pain you know?
On top of that I still have not been able to see my doctor after getting two new diagnosis! It is frustrating to not be able to see the people who are meant to take care of me you know? I really need my medications reviewing because I have not had them looked at for a while but whenever we call to make an appointment I am either told there are none or given one with the nurse. I was a nurse so I know that she cannot make decisions like changing medications for long term conditions so I want to see my doctor!
Then two weeks ago I was given an appointment at the doctors in our village, it is like five minutes from us and everyone was nice and the doctor was so lovely and helpful and seemed knowledgeable. So now me and Lee are wondering if we should change to that doctor surgery so I can get some better care. After all, my current doctor did say Fibromyalgia was just a ‘dumping diagnosis’ they give when they don’t know what is wrong.
I hope this post makes some sense, and maybe if you can read passed my brain fog and pain addled brain then you could leave me some ideas of how to keep my body going when I am in pain and want to be in bed, thank you.
First of all I am very sorry I did not write a blog post last week, you will soon hear why so I hope you will forgive me. Big things can happen, but we can all cope with much more than we think we can and I have been fighting for contentment while going through something scary.
About a month ago I found a small lump in my armpit, I regularly check my breasts and armpits because you just never know. I was sure this was simply a cyst or something like an enlarged lymph node or something like that. I went to see my practice nurse who, after feeling it and checking my breasts herself, decided I should go to the breast clinic. So right then I went from sure it was just a cyst to worried it could be cancer or something to be worried about.
My anxiety went through the roof as you can probably imagine, thankfully my husband got the day off work to take me and we only had to wait a couple of weeks to be seen. The clinic was so well set up, I saw the consultant, had an ultrasound and both breasts checked by a mammogram in just a couple of hours! They even had beautiful lit up photography to look at while being scanned it was brilliant and I got a glimpse at how the NHS could work.
The problem of course, as most of us chronic illness warriors know, is that for the most part this is not how the NHS works! Most of the time you wait years to even be taken seriously, then you have to constantly explain and prove that you need tests or scans even when you are in so much daily pain and fatigue it is hard to even get out of bed!
I think if I went to see my rheumatologist and he saw me in a couple of weeks and everything you needed was done in one go and you got the answers right away then we would all have much more faith in our medical teams. I came home from my day being scanned, poked and prodded feeling overwhelmed with happiness that my lump was nothing sinister, and really annoyed that cancer gets this sort of treatment while every other illness is met with proving you are not faking…even when I needed my gallbladder removed it took three emergency room visits over a couple of months for me to even be referred to the right specialist!
So I am sat here feeling a little annoyed, not that cancer gets the treatment it does because it needs quick response, but that the rest of the illnesses get put to the back of the line. Since going to that clinic I have been struggling to keep my contentment and to not fall back into depression and frustration. It would be easier to give in, instead I have been turning to crystals, prayer and essential oils to try and keep my mind from being lost to the darkness.
I have struggled with depression for most of my life, but I refuse to let being shown how good medical care can be get me down. No matter what illness we are battling we deserve to be taken seriously from the start and to expect good pain relief and not to have to explain ourselves over and over again! You are just as important as the next person, and you as well as I deserve to find contentment even when we suffer with chronic illness.
If you have been following my you tube channel, then you will know that I am currently studying to become a psychic. I have found as the course has progressed however that my chronic illnesses are holding me back and it is so frustrating!
My chronic illnesses are Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Spondylosis, depression and generalised anxiety disorder. They work together to make my life interesting by not only affecting how mobile I am, but also making my memory bad, giving me fatigue, shaking, numbness…the list goes on.
I have suffered with many of these my whole life but they started to change things mainly when it came to studying. So I could never get good grades in my schoolwork and I struggled in my nursing course because a bad memory means that retaining what I am being taught can be extremely difficult.
Over time when I gave up work and stopped needing to remember facts and figures it didn’t bother me as much. However, I am extremely interested in learning how to be a psychic, I am starting to get into crystals and I am even learning about the moon phases and I am finding that nothing is sticking and it is so frustrating! On top of that I have the bonus gift that studying makes my fatigue worse so I am so so tired all the time. The extra fatigue makes it hard to balance resting with studying and my housework that I try to do a little every day but it doesn’t always work out now.
I also have problems with grounding, this is a meditation practice that protects you and you are supposed to do it every morning and every night. However, on my left side my numbness is worse, so I cannot feel the ground below me and my pendulum will not work on that side. These might not seem like big problems but they are, right now I am looking into how crystals and essential oils can help but while I look into that I find I am frustrated and struggling.
I am hopeful that as I progress it will help my illnesses, but until then have you been a student? How do you cope with the side effects that come with studying and having illnesses that will not stop? Any tips or tricks gratefully accepted.
Well we have had quite the eventful week and I really thought it would leave me with a lacking in spoons and increased pain and overall feeling dreadful…I am still waiting for the bump! I guess a change is as good as a rest?
Not that my fatigue and pain are not increased, of course they are I still have the same illnesses. However, it is my mood that is different and my outlook, I find myself quite happy to rest instead of feeling like a useless lump and to be honest it is so shocking to me I have to talk about it!
Earlier this week we had a decorator come for three days to wallpaper and pain our hallway, it is now pink with birds all over it and I love it! It has made the hallway so welcoming and warm and it is so cheerful I just love looking up to see it. I will be honest though, having someone in the house did make my anxiety really high, but I managed to make small talk and felt really proud of myself.
I took the week off the computer, I rested and I even went to a Hindu meditation class where they introduced us the the different forms of yoga and it was really inspiring. I loved hearing about the Bhagavad Gita and how to apply it to my life it really helped me to feel grounded with my spiritual journey.
I am enjoying the journey and I am trying so hard to use the things I am learning, like chanting, meditation etc to battle my anxiety as well as feeling God around me much more. I am also really finding myself feeling more in control of my thoughts for the first time in a long time, and I feel actually happy…a strange feeling that I am really not used to and not quite sure how to deal with, which is kind of sad! I mean surely feeling happy should be how we feel most days, but since I was a teenager I have struggled to feel actually deep down contentment, but I have always longed for it.
I have always heard the saying ‘a change is as good as a rest’ but I guess with my anxiety disorder I always shied away from change and in fact usually it makes me lose control. But right now, I feel so much love and support from Lee who is on this spiritual journey with me, and from God who I feel is actually there walking beside me in a way I never felt before. It has been a difficult week I cannot lie about that, it is hard to be open to new things when most of the time the thought of going outside alone gives me a panic attack.
However, here we are, it is Monday and I am sat writing this to my friends and I am smiling! I know it is crazy to imagine because my upper back and neck are very painful and I feel tired but yeah I am smiling. I am incredibly proud of myself for facing these changes with faith and being as open to them as was safe for me. My husband was right by my side every day that the decorator was here, though he did not sit with me and left me alone so I could talk if I wanted to. He also went to the meditation class which I was so thankful for and I felt so supported and loved.
I hope if you all have change to face you can push passed the things that hold you back and keep moving forward so that you can make your dreams and passions a reality. Ill health does make it hard to be happy especially mental health issues, but finding faith, in God, a medication or a person then you can conquer the world!
Well I am starting to feel more like myself and less like someone who just wants to curl up in a ball and do nothing and speak to nobody.
As I have spoken about many times before on here and my You Tube Channel, I suffer a lot with my mental health, namely chronic depression and generalised anxiety disorder. Both of these illnesses conspire against me to keep me inside and lonely and not doing the things I love to do.
However, over the last couple of months, me and my husband have been working hard to learn more about other cultures and other ways of thinking. Here in the West it all feels very overwhelming, there is a lack of kindness and compassion, and people tend to work work work without taking the time to look after themselves properly. Both me and especially Lee had fallen into that trap and we had enough!
Lee started learning about The Secret, and I found out about The Power of I Am and looking more into other religions that are as old as Buddhism which I have been studying for a while now. The realisation that if I put in the work I could be in control of my thoughts and take some control back became something that I greatly wanted to make happen.
After finding a course on the Insight Timer App, I started to learn about Bhakti Yoga, which is a spiritual practice within Hinduism, that concentrates on devotion and love for any endeavour. I found this so beautiful, and started to take mindfulness, gratitude and meditation more seriously. I also discovered chanting could help me stay in the moment and provide short mantras such as I am safe I am protected, which definitely calm my anxiety! As soon as I changed my thinking from what I want and what other people do to gratitude for what I have my whole demeanour changed! I woke up happy, something that has not happened since I was about 14years old! I started to be thankful for the home I live in and to see what I already had instead of focusing on what I wanted to change.
I also found that old emotions and feelings came up that I had stifled years ago, but by chanting or praying through it I found that I coped much better with them. It became so interesting to me that just changing my way of thinking could change things so quickly, I wondered if there was any scientific basis to think that my brain had changed. I found that there were articles about this, but many were not scientifically based which annoyed me because I am experiencing the change surely it can be measured somehow?
I did find this one study on sciencedirect.com which basically confirms what I am feeling and seeing myself, unfortunately the study was only done on small groups. However, it did help me feel like this could be a long term change and not just something that will last a couple of months and then stop working…I mean people have been using these tools for hundreds of years they must have an idea it works right?