When the Goalposts Move: The Mental Health of Being a Small YouTuber -

This week, YouTube made a big announcement; to join their programme and therefore get paid for your work, they will double to number of hours watch time needed. I have been creating on YouTube for years and now finally, I am so close to reaching that goal. When the goalposts move it can feel so overwhelming and scary, and it has really affected my mental health.Not because I want to be a huge viral influencer, but because I love making videos and it’s a lovely hobby. But it is a lot of work, and when the number got bigger and felt so out of reach again, my first reaction was fear.

A camera is seen, with behind it blurred, people are recording a video — Photo by Jesus Loves Austin on Unsplash

What I actually want from YouTube

I know many people think being a YouTuber is all about going viral and doing crazy stunts to do so. But that is far from my truth, as a disabled woman who rarely leaves her home, I wanted a place to have a voice.

Yes, I would love to make a little income for the work I spend creating, and as a little extra as being on benefits unable to work a full-time job is hard. But the main reason I want to make videos, is to build a community of people who enjoy the same things I do.

I also want to share my experiences and interests to help others who are disabled to feel less alone. YouTube gives me a place to talk about witchcraft, disability, thrifting, creativity and finding joy in an ordinary life.

All I, and other small YouTubers, want is to feel that the hours we pour into our content has value. We want to feel as if the work we do matters, and when the goalposts move, then it affects our self-worth and motivation.

The invisible work behind being a small creator

One thing I love about creating on YouTube is that much of it can be done on my phone when resting. However, it is a lot of time that is spent concentrated on one thing, making videos for a platform hoping it will connect with people.

Creating is so much more than sit down, talk to camera and upload; Coming up with an idea, planning my content and researching, filming, refilming because something went wrong. Editing which for me takes two entire afternoons a week, choosing music, creating captions, thumbnails, titles, descriptions, tags, social media, responding to comments.

I do the same amount of work as big channels, actually sometimes more than them as they pay for people to do editing, promotion and research much of the time. Making videos is something I love, but I am creating their product for free, is that fair? And when the goalposts move time and again, should it be allowed?

When consistency doesn’t feel like it’s enough

I have been consistent for years now, I have made literally hundreds of videos, and even when I have been grieving or depressed it has not stopped me. But the platform does not know that the algorithm does not see the mental health of being a small YouTuber.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that consistency does not guarantee success, and that YouTube is a business, I do not think they are evil or anything like that.

But creators are the reason the platform has anything to offer in the first place, and sometimes I wish it felt like we were valued. When the goalposts move time and again, so they do not have to pay us, but have bumper profits, there is something wrong with that.

Many creators do it around full-time jobs, or looking after children, it offers entertainment and escape or a place to learn new skills. The subjects we choose to make videos about are the things we love the things we are passionate about, and that should be cultivated not discouraged.

The mental health side nobody talks about

The thing about being a YouTuber that nobody sees, is that it starts to feel personal, when you have poured your heart into a video and yet nobody watches. It starts to feel like a numbers game, constantly checking to see if your watch time is up, or if a video has worked.

views → subscribers → watch hours → likes → comments → revenue

Before you know it, instead of making videos you love and enjoy, you need to make the same video over and over again to get the algorithm to push you out. It feels less like something you love and more like an exam you are constantly sitting.

It is impossible not to compare yourself, to feel behind and to become anxious about your content. When you never start to grow like those around you, well you can feel invisible, your self-worth starting to be tied to the numbers.

The pressure to constantly create, many YouTubers talk about burnout and guilt when they need to take a break. And I have seen many people push and push to grow, only to walk away for their own mental health.

This can be especially hard for me, as I do not have unlimited energy, and I often feel like it holds me back. I struggle to understand numbers and business because of my disabilities and that is why I have been such a small creator for so long.

The tiny break I took

I was supposed to upload on Monday, but I wasn’t well, and then YouTube announced the changes, and my mood went right down. I felt depressed, anxious and most of all demotivated would I be left behind again? What was the point if they don’t care about real creators anymore.

The feeling of overwhelm and panic was too much and I must admit I cried because I am so close to being in the programme. So, instead of forcing myself to create, I decided to save the Monday video and to put it out on Friday.

This decision allowed me to have a week off from editing and recording and has given me time to recover and to process the news. I never want YouTube to be a job, or to not be enjoyable, that is the point of creating for me.

Subscribers are people, choosing to watch your videos in their spare time and that matters to me. I never wanted to be rich and famous, I want to have a community who can follow my journey as a disabled witch and who can feel less alone, like they make me feel.

Protecting my mental health is so important as I am neurodiverse and I have chronic depression and an anxiety disorder. When the goalposts move again and again, it turns something I love into something I am afraid of or overwhelmed by.

But creators deserve to be paid too

I love creating, but I also thing creators deserve to be paid, right now people don’t make enough on the platform, which is why they ask for memberships and Patreon. That’s wrong, it shouldn’t fall on our subscribers, the huge company should pay us fairly.

We are not asking for billions, we just want the platform that makes billions to acknowledge that the content doesn’t appear magically, people make it. Wanting, or needing to earn money from something creative, doesn’t make the art any less authentic.

Maybe that is what is so important to remember about being a YouTuber, why we started in the first place. I don’t need millions of people watching, but I would love to grow and be encouraged and yes, a little money for my time and energy would be nice. When the goalposts move, that starts to feel like an impossible dream!

I want a safe place for people with similar interests to relax, a cosy corner of the internet to craft and connect. I have that, and I love my videos and my community, so I never want anyone to think or feel differently. This is about how this week has made many of us feel, and I hope this made someone feel a little less alone.

Thank you xx

If my words or videos have brought a little cosiness to your day, you can support me on Ko-fi with a tip or join my Patreon for just £2 a month. Your kindness helps me keep creating both here and on YouTube.

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