generalised anxiety disorder
Welcome back to my blog, and wow this week has been kind of tough for me both with my mediumship and my health! I really want to get going and keep growing but somehow my body has been asking for me to do nothing and just wait for this all to blow over!
Patience has never been something I have been especially skilled at, and to be honest I would like to be better at it. The problem is when you pray for patience God tends to make you wait for things! However, knowing this I have been praying to have more patience and to accept things will happen in His time, and so he made me wait and grudgingly I went with it!
Week before last I had some antibiotics for an infection, and shortly afterwards I started to get a lot of pain through the middle of my body like I had been impaled or kicked in my back. It has made it so hard to sit or stand for long and has stopped me doing most housework other than light things, and all yoga/physiotherapy!
I thought it was a flare and that was why I focused on that last week, eventually though I couldn’t take it any longer and made an appointment with my GP. I got to see a locum this time, and I am glad I did because she was thorough and so nice. She listened to me which, as other chronic illness warriors will know, is rare and came to the conclusion that after years on medications the antibiotics had been the tipping point.
She explained that they had interfered with another medication I was already on and caused gastritis, which is inflammation of the stomach lining. She took me off one of my meds and sent me to the hospital for blood tests to make sure it hadn’t upset my liver and pancreas as well. This scared me, for a long time I have wanted to lead a more natural life, but somehow medications never seemed an option but now I really wish I could see my regular doctor and see what I need to be on and what I can come off and maybe look into more natural remedies.
This gastritis is so painful and draining, I feel awful so the thought of doing long meditations and working with tarot etc is the last thing I have energy for. It is so frustrating because I really want to progress and have a relationship with my spirit guides, but how can that happen when my pain is so bad I cannot meditate properly? I read so many books and blog posts about connecting with them, but most say it takes time and if you are not connecting there is something holding you back…
Is it my health? I kept thinking it was my fear and lack of self confidence, which it could also be, but I think most of my fellow warriors will understand that it often feels as if our health is always holding us back. I started to get frustrated, I couldn’t even hide it at my psychic class and I worry about this being the thing that stops me finding and achieving my soul’s purpose!
Then I remembered, I had prayed for patience…we are told in the bible and in most sacred texts I have read, that patience is a big part of faith. Everything happens in God’s time, He has a plan for my life and maybe I need to stop trying to get ahead and instead trust that things will happen when they are supposed to.
I guess I just need to make a cup of tea and wait for this all to blow over and for things to fall into place when they are meant to!
This post comes to you in partnership with Tuck a community devoted to improving sleep hygiene, health and wellness through the creation and dissemination of comprehensive, unbiased, free web-based resources.
Well I have been put on antibiotics this week, hence no post on Monday just gone, and I feel awful on them! I am literally sleeping most of the time and to be honest resting leads to guilt, and I have written about this before but the struggle is real!
My husband is not feeling too well right now either so I want to be looking after him, instead I am staying in bed all morning, needing baths to help my pain, and not managing to do my physiotherapy or yoga or any housework! I am literally a lump on the sofa and it is not a nice feeling at all!
Now I try my best to be positive, I make sure I have my God time every morning, I meditate and I practice mindfulness to try and help my chronic illnesses. However, there are times especially when I am struggling with my pain and fatigue, when I cannot control my thoughts and things can turn negative. This is when I need to dig deep and try to use all the tools in my toolbelt to try and keep my vibration and spirits up.
Now I don’t know about you, but I have a few things that help me and hopefully they can help you sometimes and I would love it if you would hop into the comments and share some of yours:
- Meditation: This is a big one for me, I use the Insight timer on my iPad to find guided meditations focused on self love, raising my vibrations and opening to the Solar Plexus Chakra which is connected to personal identity, self will and how much confidence you have. The Solar Plexus is very much related to energy levels, problems with digestion and metabolism so I am working very hard to connect and open this chakra up at the moment.
- Alternative Therapies: There are a wide range of crystals that can help with energy levels, I recently bought a Bloodstone and I am working with this just holding it and meditating with it to see if it helps. There are a lot of things like essentials oils and crystals that have been used for thousands of years as medicine and I think it is important to investigate and try things to see what works.
- Diet: No I am not talking about losing weight, but just paying attention to what you eat when you have chronic illnesses. There are so many diets recommended for different illnesses and it is important to check out bloggers who are living with those illnesses to find recommendations that actually work. I am trying to stay away from fatty and processed foods and to get back to making things from scratch.
- Listen to your body: The main thing I would say is to be in the moment and listen to your body, it will generally tell you when it needs to rest or eat or when there is pain and it is when we ignore these signals when a flare comes!
- Take a bath: I use some lovely Magnesium salts and a bath bomb, magnesium salts can help pain and resting in warm water if possible for you can really help with aching muscles as well as nerve pain. I sometimes bathe in the evening then go to bed and oh my goodness do I get a good sleep!
- Heating Pad: these are a staple of any chronic illness warrior honestly a heating pad can make all the difference, I use mine a lot in the evening for my back pain and they are a must if you are dealing with long term pain.
Now I am currently watching one of my favourite podcasts on you tube and typing this out, but I cannot stop yawning and honestly I just want to be in bed! However, if I had not done this post I would have felt like I had achieved nothing today and that is such a difficult emotion to deal with. The best advice I can give is to remember that as a chronic illness warrior, we are dealing with so much just to keep going and because of this it is so hard to deal with societies expectations anyway so we need to give ourselves a break. I hadn’t really realised I was feeling guilty until today and I know I have dealt with this before, so I know I need to just let that go and try to remember my worth is more than what I do.
I hope you will post the things that help you down below in the comments and I am hopeful that my experiences this week can help you.
How are you all this week? I do hope that the change in weather is not affecting you all too much? I wish I could say the same, but my fatigue has flared and because of it I have become addicted to the TV show Gilmore Girls which I didn’t watch the first time and must be mad because it is wonderful!
You know it is kinda strange but fatigue is something that I have had for so long I have my ways to battle it and work around it. I have patterns and routines that I have developed over time so that I can usually keep up with life in my own way around the fatigue. However, this last week it flared and I spent many days sleeping in and getting out of bed after 4pm.
This had left me feeling lost and well frankly bored! I sometimes think that when there is a full wishlist of things ready to watch it can be almost impossible to choose something. I think I must have started and stopped a few different shows and movies before changing my mind. So when Netflix, who knows me better than my own mother, suggested Gilmore Girls I thought hey why not?
Now I am a huge fan of 1990’s TV shows so once I started watching I became addicted, it really helped me to not get depressed. Usually when I have times like this, I lay there feeling awful because I cannot keep up on my housework and I start feeling like a failure. But, with this whole new show and all the episodes to watch I didn’t have those thoughts at all.
I guess what I am saying is, it is sometimes the strangest things that can get us through the tough times that chronic illness serves us from time to time. So here I am already on season 5 and loving the music and the fashion and feeling very sentimental, TV shows were just so much more fluffy and light then you know? I mean I do love the influx of Sci-fi and horror shows that seem to be constantly on TV now, but when I am feeling more fatigue than usual I really want something that will give me the warm and fuzzies and I definitely recommend Gilmore Girls.
So what TV shows do you watch when fatigue hits and you need the fuzzies?
If you have been following my you tube channel, then you will know that I am currently studying to become a psychic. I have found as the course has progressed however that my chronic illnesses are holding me back and it is so frustrating!
My chronic illnesses are Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Spondylosis, depression and generalised anxiety disorder. They work together to make my life interesting by not only affecting how mobile I am, but also making my memory bad, giving me fatigue, shaking, numbness…the list goes on.
I have suffered with many of these my whole life but they started to change things mainly when it came to studying. So I could never get good grades in my schoolwork and I struggled in my nursing course because a bad memory means that retaining what I am being taught can be extremely difficult.
Over time when I gave up work and stopped needing to remember facts and figures it didn’t bother me as much. However, I am extremely interested in learning how to be a psychic, I am starting to get into crystals and I am even learning about the moon phases and I am finding that nothing is sticking and it is so frustrating! On top of that I have the bonus gift that studying makes my fatigue worse so I am so so tired all the time. The extra fatigue makes it hard to balance resting with studying and my housework that I try to do a little every day but it doesn’t always work out now.
I also have problems with grounding, this is a meditation practice that protects you and you are supposed to do it every morning and every night. However, on my left side my numbness is worse, so I cannot feel the ground below me and my pendulum will not work on that side. These might not seem like big problems but they are, right now I am looking into how crystals and essential oils can help but while I look into that I find I am frustrated and struggling.
I am hopeful that as I progress it will help my illnesses, but until then have you been a student? How do you cope with the side effects that come with studying and having illnesses that will not stop? Any tips or tricks gratefully accepted.
The summer is here and I am wearing a lovely skirt and a pretty vest top and I should be feeling happy but I am feeling self conscious. I suffered with eating disorders, I look in the mirror and I only see my flabby arms and my tummy that is thin but not at all toned and it makes me feel so deflated. I used to be extremely thin and toned and now my illnesses have worsened and I am struggling to feel any body positivity with my disability!
I see all the adverts with the models with perfect bodies, I watch the you tubers working out in Hollywood; and I feel that pressure on me to eat everything with avocados and to work out in the gym every day! However, I have new diagnoses that mean my neck needs to be protected more and my joined are more prone to dislocation so yoga the way I used to do it has been taken off the table.
Honestly, since I was told this I have found my fitness level has seriously worsened and my body is not as toned and really my pain and fatigue have worsened! To me doing daily yoga is important but I feel a little lost as to how to practice and how to increase my fitness without doing harm.
Now obviously people are probably going to chime in with ‘get a fitness trainer’ however the fact that I can rarely leave the house and the cost that is really not an option. I am kind of left with the option of you tube which is what I have been using but I feel like I am starting all over again and the motivation when my fatigue levels are where they are now and with my pain is so hard to find! I would love to just go for a simple walk, but the weather is hot here right now and I keep having dizzy spells so that is not much of an option for me to do I wouldn’t want to have a fall out on my own!
So am I left looking in the mirror feeling like my outside doesn’t match my inside? That I am doomed to not being able to feel healthy and sexy because I have chronic illnesses? Do you guys think this is what I should just accept or is there another way that I have yet to see or hear about? I would love some input so please leave me a comment, drop me an email, or hit me up on instagram honestly I need some help not feeling like Buddha every time I look at my tummy!
PS. I have been nominated in the WEGO Health Awards for my you tube channel and would love it if you would please click below and consider endorsing me thank you x
Here in England we are having a heatwave, social media is full of people spending time with friends, and almost every night I can hear the sounds of BBQs! Usually this is a time when people get together, and because of this I think my loneliness is making itself known.
As you all know, I am working on myself very hard at the moment, meditating like mad and I am currently reading the bhagavad gita. I am trying my hardest to grow and learn and to come to be content in the moment and with the life I have instead of wanting and yearning for what others have. To be honest, I am changing a lot and I can feel how meditation and mindfulness is really helping my depression and anxiety. I am really proud of myself, but I know I still have a lot to learn but regular readers will know I love to learn new things.
However, I am mainly housebound, and with the heat I cannot take the dog out because I keep having dizzy spells. Just a few days ago my husband took me out for a drive in the car and a short walk and that was the first time I had left the house in nine days! This realisation really showed me that I am so very isolated in a lot of ways by society and that really makes me sad.
Last week, on the blog, I talked about how we all need to be kinder to one another and look out for people around us who need us. I wanted to try and encourage everyone to make sure the neighbours and family members around us are OK, but that is lacking in my life. I see people around me who don’t live far having fun and I need to be honest and say it makes me feel really left out and alone.
I have the most wonderful husband who is home as much as he can be, but he is out of the house 12 hours a day to travel to his job and work an 8 hour shift. This means most of my time is spent alone just me and the dog, who strangely enough keeps me sane. Now I would love it if my husband could be home all the time, but right now that is not really an option. So most of my waking life is spent alone, and I am sure that I am not the only one in the chronic illness community.
Now while doing research on loneliness I found that The Red Cross is running a Get Help with Loneliness Campaign because they have seen how being alone too much can affect a person’s mental health. I checked but there is nothing available in my area, but maybe there is where you live? If you are able to you can also volunteer just a few hours a week to spend with people like me who face loneliness and isolation from society. Let me know below if it is something you would use or if you would like to volunteer with them all the information is on the page above.
So I have been thinking about this a lot, how can we improve our community and why it seems so fractured. This post was spurred on to be written though by Melissa at Mint Tea and Elephants, we were talking in a facebook group and I mentioned some of my thoughts and she said she would love to read it, so blame her haha!
I am not a news watcher, I stopped watching the news years ago because it always triggered my anxiety. I started to worry about the end of the world, what if zombies became real if we act like this now? Why do people get so lost that they commit crimes and turn to drugs and alcohol? Why is it that a few people seem to prosper while everyone else seems to think it is OK to just struggle alone and to turn down any help offered and not help others?
Just a few generations ago people did not travel far from where they were born, they grew up knowing everyone and helping one another when needed. We seem to have everything, with kids having mobile phones and iPad at young ages and yet children struggling with suicidal thoughts is on the rise! The more I think about it the more I wonder that it could be we are losing that community spirit we used to have. In the past people in a street would share the big ticket items like lawn mowers and TVs, Just think how many lawn mowers there are in just the street you live in and how often they are used!
Humans naturally are pack animals, we naturally long for approval and to fit in so that we will survive. It is a natural instinct, but it seems to have taken a turn, instead of trying to help the people in our street we are looking on Instagram, comparing ourselves to others and getting depressed when our lives don’t look like that! I often see people on social media saying they need to take a ‘mental health break’ from social media, it is as if living with comparing and jealousy is unhealthy for us.
I know I have fallen into this trap when it comes to this when it comes to my You Tube Channel and this blog, I see others making money at them, being shared and growing their subscribers and it can make me feel jealous. I think this mentality of numbers within the ‘influencer’ community is what can cause most of the problems. So I took a step back and realised that I was feeling upset that I share people’s blog posts and videos but they were not doing the same for me….
But should that be why I do it? Surely I should practice my beliefs and put them into my life in every way not just when it suits me! I try to practice the four types of yoga every day, and one of them Karma Yoga is what this is all about. Karma Yoga is the path of unselfish action, this means doing things to help others and to raise others up without expecting anything in return. I should do it because I want those around me to succeed, and not because I want them to do the same or I think because I shared that video my views and subscribers will rise!
Now just imagine if we all practice this, no matter your faith, what if we all did nice and kind things not expecting anything in return not even a thank you? Do you think if we all changed our hearts to try this that we would all get more success and be happier because I do! So I am challenging you to do these three things and let’s change the world and foster a little more community:
- Smile at a stranger
- Be kind expecting nothing in return
- Share blog posts you read, and you tube videos you watch
Below is my You Tube video where I discuss this and yeah I hope you will leave me a comment and let’s get talking
Feeling guilt with summer fatigue is so hard, it seems to take all the motivation out of me! I am trying so hard to keep up with things but all I want to do is sleep and it is not good at all!
Here in the UK we are having something of a summer heatwave, and though I am sure a lot of people are really enjoying the sunshine and heat that we are having for a change it is very different for me. I have chronic illnesses that cause fatigue anyway, but when the sun comes out it can make my illnesses unstable and it very hard for me to keep up with the day to day tasks that I need to do.
Strong sunshine that pours through my kitchen is lovely, but if I am in there for longer than a few minutes I find myself fighting back a migraine. In fact, at the moment I have a halo of pain all around my head just threatening to hit me with a migraine at a minutes notice! I am having to use sunglasses just to get a glass of water at the moment and forget washing up where the sink overlooks the window!
Now I have been working hard recently on my mental health, on working with a therapist and with my faith to find ways of being kinder to myself. Things like mindfulness and chanting have made a huge difference to my negative thoughts and I am incredibly proud of myself. However, today I have basically slept most of it away and I feel like I have wasted a precious day I could have done some gentle yoga, maybe dusted the living room, but I have done nothing but watch Great British Bake Off like a Zombie!
Guilt is something everyone with chronic illnesses deal with, either it is pressure we put on ourselves or it is family or friends making comments. The pressure in society to be productive and to work, work, work is why most people now are coping with mental health issues I know this logically but when I am alone I still hear that voice in my head saying I should be doing more. I do hate it and I am trying so hard to be kind to myself and look after myself but I really need a little help!
I am determined to cope though because it looks like this hot weather is here to stay, and though I would love to stay inside like a hermit I have doctors and hospital appointments to get to. So I have been thinking about how best to stay cool and here are some of my ideas:
- Drink more water – might seem obvious but as it is hot I need to up my fluids intake and make sure I don’t get dehydrated
- Listen to my body – I need to slow down everything I do, I am not the fastest anyway, but I need to sit down more and make sure to listen when I need to rest
- Wear sunglasses – Yes even if I need them indoors it shouldn’t matter, I have to protect myself from migraines and keeping my eyes from being blasted by this bright sunshine is a great start
- Make sure to wear suncream if going outside – Many medications can make us more sensitive to the sun, but also I am mainly housebound so I need to remember I am not used to the sun and will burn easily
- Be patient – even people who are well are struggling in this heat so why do I think I won’t? I need to remember that and be patient with my body.
So wish me luck in working on the guilt that comes with not being able to help around the house, and if you have any tips and tricks for coping with this heat let me know down below?
Well we have had quite the eventful week and I really thought it would leave me with a lacking in spoons and increased pain and overall feeling dreadful…I am still waiting for the bump! I guess a change is as good as a rest?
Not that my fatigue and pain are not increased, of course they are I still have the same illnesses. However, it is my mood that is different and my outlook, I find myself quite happy to rest instead of feeling like a useless lump and to be honest it is so shocking to me I have to talk about it!
Earlier this week we had a decorator come for three days to wallpaper and pain our hallway, it is now pink with birds all over it and I love it! It has made the hallway so welcoming and warm and it is so cheerful I just love looking up to see it. I will be honest though, having someone in the house did make my anxiety really high, but I managed to make small talk and felt really proud of myself.
I took the week off the computer, I rested and I even went to a Hindu meditation class where they introduced us the the different forms of yoga and it was really inspiring. I loved hearing about the Bhagavad Gita and how to apply it to my life it really helped me to feel grounded with my spiritual journey.
I am enjoying the journey and I am trying so hard to use the things I am learning, like chanting, meditation etc to battle my anxiety as well as feeling God around me much more. I am also really finding myself feeling more in control of my thoughts for the first time in a long time, and I feel actually happy…a strange feeling that I am really not used to and not quite sure how to deal with, which is kind of sad! I mean surely feeling happy should be how we feel most days, but since I was a teenager I have struggled to feel actually deep down contentment, but I have always longed for it.
I have always heard the saying ‘a change is as good as a rest’ but I guess with my anxiety disorder I always shied away from change and in fact usually it makes me lose control. But right now, I feel so much love and support from Lee who is on this spiritual journey with me, and from God who I feel is actually there walking beside me in a way I never felt before. It has been a difficult week I cannot lie about that, it is hard to be open to new things when most of the time the thought of going outside alone gives me a panic attack.
However, here we are, it is Monday and I am sat writing this to my friends and I am smiling! I know it is crazy to imagine because my upper back and neck are very painful and I feel tired but yeah I am smiling. I am incredibly proud of myself for facing these changes with faith and being as open to them as was safe for me. My husband was right by my side every day that the decorator was here, though he did not sit with me and left me alone so I could talk if I wanted to. He also went to the meditation class which I was so thankful for and I felt so supported and loved.
I hope if you all have change to face you can push passed the things that hold you back and keep moving forward so that you can make your dreams and passions a reality. Ill health does make it hard to be happy especially mental health issues, but finding faith, in God, a medication or a person then you can conquer the world!
A few days ago I went back to see my psychic again, she is so lovely and she answered everything I needed to know. If you didn’t know I am learning to be a psychic myself and to watch her work now after training and learning was so incredible. Angela is so talented and she really inspired me to keep working because my future is a lot brighter if I use my skills and keep opening up to the world.
When I look back to when I first became sick and had to leave nursing, I remember thinking that’s it then. I tried other jobs but nobody seemed interested in helping me stay employed and I kept losing jobs because I couldn’t remember things and I struggled to move fast enough. Eventually, I gave up trying and realised I was better staying home and trying to keep my body as healthy and keep it going as long as I could. Work was taking valuable energy and causing pain, it made no sense to keep trying just to be told it was not good enough.
Thankfully, jobs are not allowed to do that now and I hope that people coming up behind me are being treated better…yeah I can hope!
When I saw Angela though she spoke of my future in such a wonderful way, she answered my questions about being on the right path and she spoke about me and my husband possibly working together. She said I could help a lot of people if I apply myself and really learn all I can, I came away feeling as if she had once again opened up the universe before me. Now that might seem romanticised and silly, but after giving up and thinking I was never going to be useful to society, well that really inspired me and that is exactly how it felt.
I have been finding my world slowly opening back up over the last few years as I have begun a spiritual journey, started taking this blog more seriously, and started working on learning all I can about my psychic abilities. I have a lot of faith in God, I always have, and I know in the bible it says He has a path worked out for every one of us. For a while I forgot about that and lost sight of the fact that my soul need to flourish and grow in order to move forward.
I also was contacted last week to say that this blog was selected by Feedspot as one of the Top 10 UK Fibromyalgia Blogs on the web which of course is incredibly inspiring to keep going and really boosted my confidence. You can check out the list and find other good Fibromyalgia blogs HERE.
So I see the world, the universe, well everything opening up before me, I feel excited and inspired by what could be in my future and I hope everyone out there realises our lives are full of unlimited possibilities if we just trust.