Brain Ramblings

Brain ramblings, those times when you let your thoughts just spill out and usually do not share, but today I thought I would treat you all to one I had last night.

I was in bed watching one of my favourite shows This Is Us, and my favourite character Nicky Pearson was the focus of one of the episodes. Suddenly my mood changed, and I felt sad, like the character I rarely leave the house because of my mental health. Yes, mobility is also an issue for me, but it is my anxiety disorder that mostly keeps me from going out and when I do I only do so with someone.

I speak a lot on my blog about my mental health and the problems it has caused, but seeing a character rarely see anyone or go anywhere hit me hard. I found myself wondering how healthy Beverley’s life would have gone if I hadn’t become sick in my early 20s.

We often hear that we go through grief when we get a chronic illness, but it is not something that you accept, and it never happens again. Last night, after twenty years of being chronically sick, I once again felt that grief hit me.

Where would I have been working, who would I have married, would I have had children…these thoughts spiralled my mood down. And I found myself feeling like I just wanted to cry in a ball, but I didn’t. Because I practice mindfulness, I caught it fast and started to list things I was thankful for.

See, healthy Beverley with her maybe family and great job, she never married my husband, she wouldn’t have my dogs and my mom would be struggling alone still.

Things happen exactly how they were meant to happen, and that is basically the theme of the show This Is Us, which you should watch if you can. Terrible things happen, mental illness, grief, death of loved ones…but through it all is a beautiful tapestry that is being weaved. We might not be able to see the beauty of it from this side, but we are so important to making the bigger picture.

So, if you feel grief with your illness, whether for the first of fiftieth time, know you are not alone. There are always people there loving you and caring for you, you just have to love yourself enough to see them and reach out for help.

Thank you to my husband who is always there to listen to my brain ramblings whether they make sense to him or not.

Thank you xxx