Chronic Illness, Identity & Letting Go -

There has been a lot of change in my life, I guess that’s why using the name Beverley Butterfly makes sense! But right now, as I step into menopause, and look back to see how chronic illness, identity and letting go affected me I often wonder how I became this version of me? Chronic illness does not just affect our bodies, it reshapes our identity and we grieve and unmask and find ourselves.

Two leaves are seen against an orange and green gradient background. One leaf is autumnal and brown the other bright green to represent chronic illness, identity and letting go — Photo by Martin Martz on Unsplash

The Quiet Identity Shift of Chronic Illness

It’s funny but our identity changes slowly, it’s not a wake up one morning and realise you are disabled. It took me years to understand that I was, and more for me to accept it and use it interchangeably with having chronic illnesses.

When I became sick, I lost more than a job and a home, I lost my role in society, my abilities and routines changed and my identity was gone. I felt disorientated because I wasn’t who I was before, but I didn’t quite fit in anywhere else.

For a long time, I was lost in a sea of depression, living back with my parents, trying to find a job that I could do and not taking care of myself. I lost old friends who I couldn’t go out with anymore and who didn’t come to see me or check on how I was doing.

Chronic illness, identity and letting go is not easy because it doesn’t just take your energy and place in society, but it also changes your sense of self. It leaves you adrift with nobody to go to for help, if you are lucky you are given a diagnosis, but the mental side of things can often be forgotten.

Grieving Your “Old Self”

Missing who you used to be is often all you can do at first, I found myself wallowing in depression and grief. I felt hard done to and picked on by the universe because I was just starting to become who I wanted to be.

I was happy and fit; I had a job I had worked hard for and was happy with my boyfriend; yet society was constantly making me feel like I must be lazy and faking to get money for nothing.

The grief came in waves, and honestly it still does at times, but realising that this grief had a name and a way through was so validating. I was just finding my way and though family and friends couldn’t understand it, I felt it so deeply as I navigated chronic illness, identity and letting go.

It is normal to miss the old versions of yourself that no longer exist, I know I still miss Beverley who lived alone. She had a good job as a nurse, and was so confident, she walked everywhere and knew what she wanted in life.

Unmasking & Late Autism Discovery

As well as discovering I was disabled and dealing with that, a few years ago I started to realise I was on the autism spectrum. It is heavily seen in my mother’s side of the family and honestly, I have never understood or fit in with society.

I began following people who were diagnosed on social media and realised much of what they spoke about I recognised in myself. This started me once again on a journey of unmasking and showing more of my real self instead of changing my thoughts, and feelings to fit in with others.

As with chronic illness, identity and letting go, when it comes to unmasking and meeting a new version of you means letting go of who you thought you were. I also started to wonder if the parts of me I missed were actually me at all?

Much of who I used to be was actually learned behaviour to survive in a harsh world, taking those pieces of armour off was scary. The people closest to me stopped understanding my signals like was I angry, or was my real voice tone just different to what they were used to?

I came to realise that chronic illness might strip things away, autism discovery reveals what can be let go of because it was never me. This transition has been powerful and eye opening not just to me, but it has also helped me to rediscover who I could have been.

The In-Between Space

Most of my life has been lived in the liminal parts, where I am between identities and trying to find my way. I am not fully my past self and yet not settled in the new one, it is uncertain, uncomfortable and often lonely.

Grief when chronic illness, identity and letting go is a constant process, can feel never ending. But remembering that it is also a place of becoming can make the transitions feel powerful and like I am passing through a magical portal to another world.

My imagination and belief in magic have often given me a place to hide away in, a place to retreat when the world feels a little too real. The in between is just as important as the arriving and using my mindfulness practice I have found it to be so inspiring to keep moving forward.

Making Peace With Who You’re Becoming

Letting go, and redefining your identity on your own terms can feel so empowering at times that can feel so out of control. Stepping into a change of mindset and seeing things from another angle can help us navigate the liminal in better ways.

I have embraced a slower and more aligned way of living, and found joy in the small, accessible parts of life. Making a cup of tea, taking the dog into the garden, reading a book, choices that each day help me to connect to the softer moments of the day.

My peace has also come from letting go of the idea of ‘getting back to who I used to be’ and instead seeing who I am today as who I am meant to be. I know that Beverley today is in transition and yet with a dog snoring against my leg and the sounds of Wet Wet Wet in the room, I am happy.

Chronic illness, identity and letting go seems like its destroying the life you always wanted and worked for. But I want to reassure you that your identity was not lost, you were just evolving and you are not less, just different. It is life to evolve, look to nature it is always learning, growing and changing and we need to do the same. So, break out of the mould and meet yourself where you are today.

Thank you xx

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