Sorry I have not updated for a week, I apologise for that I have been in a strange place and I am not entirely sure how to explain where my head is right now…or my body!
I will start with my body it’s easier, so my fatigue is off the charts at the moment to the point where I am just getting nothing done. I am having like one good day a week and though I am eating well and drinking plenty of water I just feel like crap! This constant fatigue feels like when I was nursing and got home after a night shift when I hadn’t managed to sleep the day before!
It leaves me feeling like a useless blob and is not helping when it comes to my depression, which keeps telling me that everyone would be better off without me because I am a useless blob. This feeling is not helped by my dad, a man who has always been fit and healthy and has always looked down on me for not being the same. He has never understood that I am not lazy or just sad and that I am sick that is why I struggle and I feel and know how he sees me and it hurts.
Last night he came round to drop off his dog we are dog sitting and I was asleep I could not lift my head I was so tired and had fallen asleep, he said not am I feeling okay but “What would you do if you had to work for a living!” the connotation being that I was just lazy and wanted to sleep to get out of doing things…a small throw away remark to him but something that says a lot about how he sees me and what he really thinks about my illness.
Nobody in my family read this blog, which I keep to get my thoughts and feelings out about my illness…but if I am honest the fact that my family have not looked up my illness or tried to understand it hurts. I am in a strange place and this year has been so, so hard, but I want to try to get out all of the bad and leave space for nothing but good so next year I can start fresh and become the best version of me that I can be! So yes these things hurt and yes my body is super tired, but I am going to fight every single step of the way so I can start 2017 with a clean slate and get some good energy back in my life.