Managing Stress as a Disabled Carer

It is International Stress Awareness Week and though this year’s theme is about optimising employee wellbeing I am going to talk about something different. I cannot work, as I am disabled, but almost six years ago me and my husband moved in with my mom to look after her. Together we are her carers, so I want to talk about managing stress as a disabled carer, and hopefully we can help one another.

As our population ages, and following the Pandemic, more people are providing care and support to disabled loved one. This could be a parent, like it is for me, and can lead to something known as ‘carers burnout’. People who provide care for a loved one can feel overwhelmed, isolated, worried about money, struggle with a lack of boundaries, as just a few examples.

Being disabled as a caregiver adds another layer to this, with trying to balance my own health needs with providing the care that my mother needs. I have also found that me and my mom argue a lot because I need to make decisions or offer advice to her and she feels I am taking away her choices. Stress can cause flares in my own illnesses, and I have seen a rise in flares of my own illnesses since providing care for her.

Understanding Stress When You’re a Disabled Carer

I think quite often we can struggle with the idea of not being enough or not knowing how to do your best every day when you feel sick yourself. But it is normal and okay to feel overwhelmed or that things are hard, taking small steps and learning as you go is the best way to start managing stress as a disabled carer.

Stress can look different to everyone, and it is only by taking time to understand your own illnesses and conditions that you can appreciate how being a carer is affecting you. I have noticed for example that I get flares of hives on my skin and itching because some of my illnesses are autoimmune. If I am tired and run down because my small amount of energy is used looking after mom, I will notice more itching and hives. Then I know I need to increase my self-care and take time to be alone and resting so my body can recover.

Looking at your own illnesses and the symptoms you have and thinking about any flares that you have been experiencing can be eye opening. Seeing those small signs of stress in your own body will allow you to implement routines and self-care that will help you to feel healthier and be able to take better care of your loved one.

Gentle Tips for Managing Stress

• Simplify your expectations: Nobody is able to do everything, so let go of those nagging judgements. Simplify your life by simplifying how you see yourself and your ability to give care to another person. If you are already struggling with illnesses that made you struggle to cope, adding in looking after someone else will of course make life harder. So, we need to stop thinking we can be perfect and do everything!
• Create moments of pause: Taking a moment to breathe is so important, I often use taking our puppy out to the garden for a pee break and waiting for the kettle to boil as moments to just close my eyes and concentrate on my breath. This gives me a moment to check in with myself and my stress levels and to breathe out any negative thoughts or feelings.
• Ask for help and accept it: It is a sign of strength, not failure, to admit that you need help. Friends and family are resources as are your GP practice. You might be surprised to find a local carers pop in or a charity that can help you on a regular basis. Accepting help can ease the stress on you and help you to give better care to the person you love.
• Use grounding rituals: As a witch I use simple rituals to ground me and to help me to let go of everything around me. Simply lighting a candle, pulling an oracle card and saying an affirmation each evening has really helped me to destress and sleep better at night.
• Prioritize rest: “rest is productive.” it is something we hear a lot, but it is also so true, I go to bed early every night, I also love to take time to have a cup of tea and a natter, as well as a cheeky afternoon nap can really make a difference. The idea that we have to be running around all day can seem like it is what we are meant to be doing, but it is so harmful to us. Letting go of that and instead finding time to rest, was a game changer for me and I am so glad I did.

Mindful Self-Compassion

Findings from Carers UK and the University of Sheffield show that we unpaid carers are saving the equivalent cost of another NHS! That is £162billion per year just in England and Wales every year, just think about that and realise how important we are to the running of our economy.

So, letting go of the guilt of not working, or of draining society like governments like us to believe is so important. We are cornerstones of this society, without us the country wouldn’t be able to cope, the NHS does not have enough carers now who are paid, imagine if they didn’t have us! Realising this, really helped me to feel like I matter, and to let go of those feelings that filter down to us from society.

Managing stress as a disabled carer is so important, and it is about so much more than just the toll on our physical health. These thoughts and feelings from society, the people around us, the person we care for and even ourselves, can be so toxic and harmful at times. It is only by reframing how we see ourselves and making your self-care as important as caring for your loves one, that we can start to enjoy life again.

Remember, you are not alone as a disabled carer, and your life and your health matters just as much as theirs. We cannot ‘pour from an empty cup’ and we cannot give good care for another without first looking after ourselves.

With spoons and sparkles, Beverley xx

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