Trying to live with Chronic Illness

Pushing through grief

Photo by Ester Marie Doysabas on Unsplash

Hey everybody!

So first of all I want to apologise for not updating my blog for a week or so, unfortunately I needed a little time to look after my mental health after losing my Grandmother. She was a big part of my life, in fact I think I talked about her in my last post and I am finding the grief hard.I have taken losing her and my Grandad pretty badly because they were two people who taught me so much and loved me so completely and without conditions.

It is horrible because I have moments where I forget they are gone and I get a idea to call or suggest we visit, but then I remember…

I think anyone who is dealing with grief knows that feeling, like hearing it all over again, and right now it is hard because the funeral isn’t until the end of the month so that is looming over me. Added onto that I have my birthday this week, I am turning 40 and most people I wanted to celebrate with me cannot make it and I think I just have a lot of feelings from childhood parties gone wrong kicking up again!

I think a lot of people who suffer with anxiety and depression know this well, something happens and instead of just wanting to deal with that one thing your brain decides to think of a million other times in your past. Negative thoughts and memories are something I deal with every day and something that I honestly fight with and battle with constantly. Most people who met me would not think that, but even as I smile inside there is a million thoughts and feelings fighting to take that smile away from me. I am in the process of starting therapy again, finally after a life with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression since the age of 14 the doctor thought I might need long term therapy wow never would have thought it!!

Opening up to someone new about your past and the issues you have leaves you feeling so exposed and raw, so losing one of my close family at the same time has been very hard. I think it is hard at any time, but talking about it along with retelling my past has left me feeling very small and lost at times.

I really hope however, that I can push through this time in a healthy way and this is how I am going to try and do that:

  • Talking – I think it is important to be open and honest about my thoughts and feelings at the moment and I am talking things through with my husband and therapist because I cannot hold this all in.
  • Meditation – I try to meditate every day to protect myself and to keep my mind clear, it gives me a chance to slow down and just concentrate on my breathing. I also found some amazing guided meditations for grief on You Tube.
  • Mindfulness – Staying in this moment and not getting lost in emotions and thoughts is something that does not come easily, however I find it helps my anxiety, which is thinking about the future, and depression, which is thinking about the past. I have been working on this because I am a Buddhist, but it is also a big part of what my therapists have suggested.
  • Keeping busy – Now this one can be difficult with pain and fatigue, both of which are worse because of the grief, but it is important to at least be reading or watching a TV show sitting and thinking is the worst thing for someone suffering with their mental health so definitely bear that in mind.

I hope this post has not bought you down or upset anyone, but I think far too much in our society we are afraid of death and talking about mental health issues and right now that is what is happening in my life. Yes it is difficult, but the more we talk about it the less stigma there will be and more people will be able to get the help they need without worry or fear. Next Monday I will tell you all about my wonderful birthday celebrations and hopefully I will cope with turning 40 without running away hehe

Namaste xxx

 

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4 Responses to Pushing through grief

  • I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Take all the time you need to grieve. And I agree that death is a topic often shunned, but I don’t find it morbid or taboo at all. It’s a natural part of life, and should be spoken about naturally.

  • Grandparents are very special people because they do have that capacity to love completely and without conditions. I was blessed with lovely granparents who have all passed on now.

  • I lost my mum 2 weeks ago, the funeral is next week and I too am turning 40 in may. Also next Monday we find out what stage my dad’s cancer is at, if I lose him too I have no one else in my life, I have my kids but they’re only 21 and 14.
    So much love to you, I know exactly what you’re going through. Love and light, and many many blessings to you. XxxX

    • Hi Alex, thank you so much for being so open, I think the internet does so much to help us feel less alone. I am sorry you are going through so much right now, but I hope you can find positives every day and a way to have hope through this process. I hope everything goes well with your father xxxx

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Hello

Hi there I am Beverley, I am a Buddhist Christian trying to find a way to live with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, spondylitis, Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. I live with my Husband Lee and our dog Gizmo and our budgies Rey and Finn. I live in England and look forward to getting to know you better. I will be updating once a week, usually a Monday.

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